Of all the relational afflictions we suffer, being misunderstood seems to elicit an amazingly broad set of emotional responses. It can grab on to just about every feeling we have in our emotional pantry.
Someone thinks of us inaccurately and we get angry, self-critical, hopeless, defiant, cold, violent, sad, lonely, withdrawn, sarcastic, aggressive, passive, frustrated, vindictive, critical, smug, arrogant, condescending… I’m sure there are more. Those are just the ones I can remember seeing (or feeling.)
It seems to me there is some very basic need for someone to “get us” and all that that involves. After all, there are quite a few prerequisites for you understanding me, such as caring enough, spending enough time, reserving judgment, being gracious in your attributions, observing, being genuinely open to learning something outside yourself, avoiding comments that tend to shut me down or make me hide.
Obviously, there are many ways for that whole process to go wrong.
And yet, we crave it. We regularly monitor it. We’re ready to reply with, “Who do you think I am?! How could you think I could be capable of such a thing?! After all we’ve been through, you could believe THAT about me?!” along with the whole range of internal dialogues we keep to ourselves. Sometimes we get a chance to present our case, have our day in court, trying to explain ourselves more carefully. Other times, and these are much harder, we feel denied even a forum for explaining ourselves. We realize that the misunderstood version of ourselves is what is being carried around by another and we feel powerless to change it. This can happen when a relationship ends suddenly, when there is a death, or when we just decide out of intimidation, fear, or anger to let it stand. Yes, even out of anger (“If you want to think that, then fine!”) Our anger gets some satisfaction in knowing they’re wrong so we’re not going to help.
A substantial part of the burden Christ had to bear during his ministry was the experience of being deeply and publicly misunderstood. More than once he called out his closest friends, his disciples, for not “getting him”, his mission, identity, or intentions. Remember him asking who others were saying he was, and to his disciples, “Who do you say that I am?” It seems likely that even from the start there were rumors about him being of illegitimate birth.
There certainly are things we do that contribute to others misunderstanding us.
We can put on self-protective masks, armor, and build complete fortresses. We can have significant parts of ourselves that we really don’t understand and accept. (those are closely connected by the way) But, we can work on these self-handicaps. We can get better at allowing ourselves to be understood. Friendships and intimate relationships are the most fertile ground for growth of this kind. We may also benefit from a professional counselor to make ourselves more understandable.
The hard news is that even if we are working on all of those things I just listed, we cannot avoid times where we are misunderstood.
I think about young children bickering back and forth, obviously unable to endure the other child not seeing it their way or understanding what they did or why. I see the same type of behavior in couples (of course not anyone I know, and certainly not in my marriage :)) believe it or not. That desperation and frustration to be understood, to avoid the loneliness of not being “gotten.”
Maybe we should add to the marriage vows right after “richer or poorer” something about “in times of understanding and misunderstanding.”
I’m coming to believe that allowing ourselves to be misunderstood after we have done all we can, the enduring of that loneliness, can be a type of spiritual discipline. It’s a giving up the need to defend ourselves or retaliate. The remarkable thing is that loosening our grip on that need actually opens the way for better communication and interaction which may lead, in the end, to our being understood a little better.
It really can be ok for someone to misunderstand me. It’s a natural consequence of being an individual, a separate person, and complicated person. And whether I want to say it’s “ok” or not it WILL happen even when I have done all I can to be clear.
I’ll be better off and so will my relationships if I can learn to endure it.
There’s a concept that I am certain is crucial for our development. I’ve been trying to find the best way to communicate it for some time now. I’m pretty sure there have been times when I’ve tried and failed. In those times, I’ve probably made it sound like a crazy idea. For a while, I even stopped trying to communicate it because if taken wrong, it could be rather offensive. 
“A soft answer turns away anger.”
David Hamilton
