So your wife has been asking you for a while now to go to counseling… Now what? You may have a few questions about what to expect.
Will the counselor be on her side? What will I be expected to say? What if we get into an argument? What if I don’t like the counselor? How long will I have to go? Is what I say confidential? How will it help our marriage? Will we just fight all the way home afterward?
Let’s take them one at a time.
I have never hunted.
Well, except once at summer camp in the coastal mountains of California when three of us jr-highers decided to go after some rattle snakes with our wrist-rockets. (It was a family camp so I’m really not sure where our parents were.) The camp cook promised he would cook it if we caught it. Yes, it did taste like chicken.
Ok. Now that I’ve defended my manhood…
I have never hunted but I do know what those ugly orange vests are for. You’re out in the wild tuning your ear to the slighted rustle and interpreting it. You’re on the alert because you are in a sort of competition. You win if you can react before your prey does. Your reaction involves shooting and the prey’s reaction involves running.
At some point in human history, someone noticed that under those circumstances we can shoot at something that isn’t really prey, like a fellow hunter. So hunters wear something a little extra, the orange vest that says, “Hey, we’re friends. Remember? Don’t shoot.”
If your goal is to whittle away at the foundation of your relationship each time you fight, here are 10 field-tested strategies. They are in no particular order and can be used in any combination you like.
There is one foundational strategy that is not optional. You must hand over control of your emotions to the other person. That way, when you get so mad that you yell, or behave in some other offensive manner, it is only because they have made you so mad. They had better try to keep you calm. If emotions cause you to shut down or get overwhelmed, it is also because they made you feel so bad. Either way, they better be more careful. This is known as the Eggshell strategy.
With that foundational strategy in mind, you are ready to pick freely from the 10 listed below.
Boundaries and respect are important in all areas of life and almost always have to be learned from experience. I understand that marriage differs from soccer and since my wife’s shins bruise easily, I really don’t get the two confused very often. But, there are some similarities.
In college, I had the good fortune of being coached by a former member of the Brazilian national soccer team. English was clearly not his first language. He had some key phrases he would repeat, at varying intensities, trying to wring out the last possible bit of meaning from the words. Hand gestures were added liberally to the phrases to provide additional nuances. But the things he could do with that soccer ball!
In a world without peers, or equals, there would never be a problem with taking turns. If someone has a higher status than you, of course they would go first and you would go next, if at all. If you have a higher status, then you never have to wait for others, right? Everything’s fine. No confusion. No problem. Everyone knows who goes first at the intersection, who steps aside when you meet in a hallway, who enters the door first.
But what if there is another? An equal, a peer, a spouse? What if we each have strong opinions and emotions that we need to understand and communicate (not necessarily in that order.) Let’s add into the mix a fear I have that I will never get a turn if you go first. What if what you say only makes what I have to say more urgent? What if it has to be solved now? What if there is no time to waste, because these emotions are so uncomfortable that I can’t imagine just containing them for another day or so. Read more…
You’re in a competition, a heated discussion, an argument…
Somewhere, deep inside, you have an idea of what’s really being debated, what’s really on the table. What will be won or lost? Pride, bragging rights, your job, your marriage, money?
How about that job interview? What is really on the table? What does it feel like is on the table? Is it your personal value, your professional value, God’s blessing on your life, your economic future, the approval of a parent, the chance to change jobs, the chance to get this particular job at this particular time?
How about that argument with your spouse? What does it feel like is up for debate? The love of your spouse, your marriage, your pride, your free time, your independence?
The word, “Okay” or “OK” has a puzzling past with conflicting reports regarding its origin. Wherever it came from, it has become one of the most useful words in the English language. It offers a powerful reorientation to the struggles in life, whether those struggles are relational or logistical.
Just in case you have been overlooking or underusing this word, I would like to offer an expanded translation of the term. Of course, words take on different meanings in different contexts. So, let me clarify that I am not referring to the rather mild and common response to, “How are you doing?” I am referring to an intentional posture toward any of the many challenges that are thrown at us in life.
I find myself, when working with couples, trying to convince them of the following principle:
Even though there is issue x,y & z that seem to be the problem, if you learn to talk to each other first, x,y & z will not be such an issue.
It sounds simplistic. Right? Talk, talk, talk, blah, blah, blah.. Let’s get down to the “REAL” issues!
Here is how it works and it really is far from simple.
I posted earlier a simple rule for men to follow in talking to their wives. Now I have the companion rule for women. I want to make it clear that these rules are not gender specific. Either husband or wife is perfectly able to flagrantly violate both rules. I just thought I’d address one to the wives and one to the husbands, rather than hit you with it all at once.
(the rule in the previous post was Only tell him something because you want him to know you better.)
New Rule: Only ask him something because you want to know him better.
Guys, sometimes you may feel like you just can’t say anything at all without a fight breaking out. You both seem to be on high alert. In those times, follow this simple rule.
Rule: Only tell her things because you are wanting her to know you.
(another rule: Only ask her things because you want to know her, I’ll discuss later)
Here’s what I mean. Only tell her things (as in making declarative statements) when your motivation is for her to know something new, preferably about you. You are showing her yourself, revealing something to her.
“A soft answer turns away anger.”
I’m glad that verse is in proverbs. But sometimes I have to ask myself if I really believe it, since I don’t always act like I do. Sometimes I ask my clients if they believe it. But for now let’s assume it’s true. :)
What exactly does it mean?
We only have a few words to work with here. I kinda’ wish it said more. What type of soft answer? Does that include silence? Silence is pretty soft right?
Umm.. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of the “silent treatment” knows it doesn’t feel very soft. But, I can make the mistake of thinking “Silence is not as harsh as what I COULD say so it’s a soft answer.”
So why is that other person still angry?
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