You know that part of the story, right? One of those phrases might even be a part of your script right now. You might feel like it’s your next line.
Do you know that verse in Philippians, chapter 4? The one that tells us what to think about?
Here’s the whole verse:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.
Lately, I’ve been realizing how important it is to read beyond the “whatever is true” phrase. “True” is not the only criteria. There’s also noble, right, pure, lovely, etc.. That’s helpful because there are SO MANY things that are true and we need to pick from among them, since our attention and mental desktop are limited resources.
A reader asked a question in response to an earlier post and I think the question is important enough to warrant its own post.
Question:
I understand that those types of anger should not happen… but I think that expressing anger is healthy, doing it the right way… Anger is part of the healing process, is it not?
In a previous post I explained that “just letting it out” is not a reliable way to manage anger. I want to continue here with more about anger.
Our emotions offer behavioral suggestions and prepare our body to carry out those behaviors. Anger suggests to us that we actively defend ourselves against some perceived threat. Apparently it’s been rather common throughout the ages to be vulnerable to sin in the midst of that active defending. Paul warned the Ephesians (4:26) about it almost 2,000 years ago. So, our angry behavior may be just plain wrong, even though motivated, in part, by a drive to defend ourselves.
How could that happen? I think much of our mistaken angry responses fit one of the following patterns.
We have all heard anger talked about as if it were people stuffing into a phone booth. It gets more and more uncomfortable and the only way to make it better is to let some out. Get it off your chest. Don’t stuff it down. Let off some steam. Many think of anger management within a pressure-release model. I would like to convince you otherwise.
Do you remember that feeling you had the last time you saw a child, maybe one of yours, doing something that could hurt themselves or another person? Maybe it was running with scissors. Maybe it was standing too close to the edge of a cliff. Maybe it was swinging some object on a string around and around as they spun with their eyes closed. (Maybe it’s too easy for me to think of these examples and my neurotic parenting style is showing.)
You wanted to stop it, right? And not just because the child could get hurt, but also because they could hurt someone else unintentionally. But you’re kind of in a bind, right? If you run right up to grab them, bad things could happen. Someone could get hurt. If you tell them, with some urgency, how dangerous you think it is, they might decide to prove you wrong by pushing it a little. Someone could get hurt. If you do nothing at all, someone could get hurt.
Wow! I’m sure glad we outgrow that running with scissors thing! At least I think we almost do… mostly… more or less.
“A soft answer turns away anger.”
I’m glad that verse is in proverbs. But sometimes I have to ask myself if I really believe it, since I don’t always act like I do. Sometimes I ask my clients if they believe it. But for now let’s assume it’s true. :)
What exactly does it mean?
We only have a few words to work with here. I kinda’ wish it said more. What type of soft answer? Does that include silence? Silence is pretty soft right?
Umm.. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of the “silent treatment” knows it doesn’t feel very soft. But, I can make the mistake of thinking “Silence is not as harsh as what I COULD say so it’s a soft answer.”
So why is that other person still angry?
David Hamilton
