The Other 167 Hours

life outside the session

Archive for the category “Marriage”

08 Feb 2012
7 Comments

Top 10 Regrets #3 I hugged my wife when I came home from work.

Top 10 Regrets

  1. I believed the sun would rise tomorrow.
  2. I tried to control my tongue.
  3. I hugged my wife when I came home from work.
  4. I tried to love God.
  5. I cared about other people’s problems.
  6. I sang along in church.
  7. I closed my eyes in prayer.
  8. I held it together.
  9. I kept going.
  10. I spent time with my kids.

I want to talk about regret #3, hugging my wife when I came home from work.

It is one of my responsibilities, right, to hug her when I get home? That and taking out the trash pretty much rounds out my job description as a husband, right?

The kid’s can all see it. “There goes dad hugging mom again.”  I’m “modeling” a loving husband for them. Perfect.

Not quite.

Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Marriage and tagged , , , , , , ,
10 Oct 2011
2 Comments

Marriage: A Three-Ring Circus

The Circus, by Georges Seurat, painted 1891. O...
Image via Wikipedia

I love the circus, especially the large three-ring circus where there are always at least three shows happening at once. If you love the circus and want to know more about its interesting history and role in popular culture…

this blog post will be of no help at all with that.

On the other hand, I have some thoughts about work and responsibility in marriage. These seem to organize themselves rather nicely into three areas  or circles of responsibility.

Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Marriage and tagged , , , , , , ,
28 Sep 2011
5 Comments

A note to men about walking through the woods in the dark

dark forest night image 31002 Images
When, by chance, your car breaks down, your cell is out of range and you are walking through the woods to find help on a moonless, starless night, with the woman you love beside you…

When neither of you can see a hand in front of your face and she calls out, “Are you there?” because she can’t feel you next to her…

When, for a split second, it crosses your mind to be silent, just for a moment, and then you realize she would NOT think it was funny…

Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Communication, Fear and Anxiety, Marriage, Relationships and tagged
26 Sep 2011
1 Comment

The User-Friendly Husband

Firefox Error Message - Well, this is embarrassing
Image by Ivan Walsh via Flickr

Are you a user-friendly husband?

Having worked for a number of years as a software developer, I can tell you that an application can be the most powerful and ingenious tool to ever be created but, if the user gets frustrated with learning how to use it, it all goes to waste. It never gets the praise it deserves and it isn’t able to accomplish what it was created for. If the application were a person it would doubtless ask for a little more appreciation and respect. But it wouldn’t get it.

Does any of this sound familiar, guys?

In the home we can be so hard to read, or so painful to interact with, that our talents go unappreciated. It’s not that we don’t have anything to offer. It’s just that we are not as user-friendly as we could be. Think about these examples:

What’s happening with my computer? What is it doing?

It’s frustrating, isn’t it, when that progress bar on the screen just hangs there? We know it’s doing something but we don’t know what, or how long it will take, or if we need to keep watching in case it needs some input from us.

Where are you and what are you doing? When are you coming home? These are questions your family needs to know. They are not trying to ruin your life. It just helps them plan their day. Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Anger, Communication, Marriage and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
11 Aug 2011
2 Comments

A Husband’s Brief Guide to Counseling

"You brute! You coward!" from an ano...
Image via Wikipedia

So your wife has been asking you for a while now to go to counseling… Now what? You may have a few questions about what to expect.

Will the counselor be on her side? What will I be expected to say? What if we get into an argument? What if I don’t like the counselor? How long will I have to go?  Is what I say confidential? How will it help our marriage? Will we just fight all the way home afterward?

Let’s take them one at a time.

Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Marriage and tagged , , , , , ,
09 Mar 2011
5 Comments

Dance with me in the minefields

I’ve been blessed to have a spouse to sing this with.

Thank you, Lynne!

I was nineteen, you were twenty-one
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much too young
But we did it anyway

We bought our rings for forty each
From a pawn shop down the road
We made our vows and took the leap
Now fifteen years ago

We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storm
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that’s what the promise is for

“I do” are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I’ve heard
Is a good place to begin

‘Cause the only way to find your life
Is to lay your own life down
And I believe it’s an easy price
For the life that we have found

And we’re dancing in the minefields
We’re sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that’s what the promise is for

So when I lose my way, find me
When I loose love’s chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith, till the end of all my days
When I forget my name, remind me

‘Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man
So there’s nothing left to fear
So I’ll walk with you in the shadowlands
Till the shadows disappear

‘Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos, baby,
I can dance with you

Posted by David Hamilton in Marriage
27 Jan 2010
7 Comments

Top 10 Ways to Ruin Communication in Your Marriage

If your goal is to whittle away at the foundation of your relationship each time you fight, here are 10 field-tested strategies. They are in no particular order and can be used in any combination you like.

There is one foundational strategy that is not optional. You must hand over control of your emotions to the other person. That way, when you get so mad that you yell, or behave in some other offensive manner,  it is only because they have made you so mad. They had better try to keep you calm. If emotions cause you to shut down or get overwhelmed, it is also because they made you feel so bad. Either way, they better be more careful. This is known as the Eggshell strategy.

With that foundational strategy in mind, you are ready to pick freely from the 10 listed below.

Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Communication, Marriage and tagged , , , ,
21 Jan 2010
1 Comment

Marriage: Why do I love you? Because I can.

I want to suggest that the only satisfying answer to the question, “Why do you love me?” is, “Because I can.”

This question is different from asking what you like about me, or what initially built an attachment between us. It’s okay to have specific answers to those questions.

Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Marriage and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
12 Jan 2010
2 Comments

Boundaries and Respect in Marriage (and Soccer)

Boundaries and respect are important in all areas of life and almost always have to be learned from experience. I understand that marriage differs from soccer and since my wife’s shins bruise easily, I really don’t get the two confused very often. But, there are some similarities.

In college, I had the good fortune of being coached by a former member of the Brazilian national soccer team. English was clearly not his first language. He had some key phrases he would repeat, at varying intensities, trying to wring out the last possible bit of meaning from the words. Hand gestures were added liberally to the phrases to provide additional nuances.  But the things he could do with that soccer ball!

Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Marriage and tagged , , , , , , , ,
31 Oct 2009
3 Comments

On the Death of a Small Civilization

Apparently it was Pat Conroy,  author of the Prince of Tides, who first said, “Each divorce is the death of a small civilization.” I think of his words every time a couple in my office tells me they are heading toward divorce.

Marital work is the hardest work I do as a psychologist. It is impossible for me to do it well without becoming personally invested in the success of the marriage. I gather all the hope I can find and pile it together. When the death occurs, I feel grief “as if a million voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”  I don’t pretend to feel the loss to the extent that my clients feel it when a marriage ends. But I do feel it.

Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Marriage and tagged , , , ,
10 Sep 2009
3 Comments

Just learn to talk to each other? Really?

I find myself, when working with couples, trying to convince them of the following principle:

Even though there is issue x,y & z that seem to be the problem, if you learn to talk to each other first, x,y & z will not be such an issue.

It sounds simplistic. Right? Talk, talk, talk, blah, blah, blah.. Let’s get down to the “REAL” issues!

Here is how it works and it really is far from simple.

Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Communication, Marriage and tagged , , , ,
05 Aug 2009

The Case for Early Marriage

Mark Regnerus wrote the following article in Christianity Today magazine. (FYI: It is not rated G.)

Amid our purity pledges and attempts to make chastity hip, we forgot to teach young Christians how to tie the knot.

Virginity pledges. Chastity balls. Courtship. Side hugs. Guarding your heart. Evangelical discourse on sex is more conservative than I’ve ever seen it. Parents and pastors and youth group leaders told us not to do it before we got married. Why? Because the Bible says so. Yet that simple message didn’t go very far in shaping our sexual decision-making.

read the rest of the article

Posted by David Hamilton in Marriage and tagged , | Leave a Comment
03 Jul 2009
2 Comments

Marriage Spinning Out of Control

merrygoroundThere’s a concept that I am certain is crucial for our development. I’ve been trying to find the best way to communicate it for some time now. I’m pretty sure there have been times when I’ve tried and failed. In those times, I’ve probably made it sound like a crazy idea. For a while, I even stopped trying to communicate it because if taken wrong, it could be rather offensive.

Have I gotten you nervous now?

I think I’ve found an analogy that may help me. If not, please forgive me. Let me know and I’ll keep working on it.

Remember merry-go-rounds? It’s curious that they have somehow managed to survive so long without seat-belt laws. But it just wouldn’t be the same with out the challenge of hanging on. Remember that one “darling child” who would keep spinning it faster and faster, undeterred by the children on board begging to slow down? Sorry, if I’ve awakened any repressed memories.

From what I’ve observed, there are at least two methods for exiting the merry-go-round.

Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Marriage and tagged , , , , ,
24 Jun 2009
2 Comments

I can’t talk to my husband!

I posted earlier a simple rule for men to follow in talking to their wives. Now I have the companion rule for women. I want to make it clear that these rules are not gender specific. Either husband or wife is perfectly able to flagrantly violate both rules.  I just thought I’d address one to the wives and one to the husbands, rather than hit you with it all at once.

(the rule in the previous post was Only tell him something because you want him to know you better.)

New Rule: Only ask him something because you want to know him better.

Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Communication, Marriage and tagged , , , , , ,
22 Jun 2009
6 Comments

I can’t talk to my wife!

Guys, sometimes you may feel like you just can’t say anything at all without a fight breaking out. You both seem to be on high alert. In those times, follow this simple rule.

Rule: Only tell her things because you are wanting her to know you.

(another rule: Only ask  her things because you want to know her, I’ll discuss later)

Here’s what I mean. Only tell her things (as in making declarative statements) when your motivation is for her to know something new, preferably about you. You are showing her yourself, revealing something to her.

Read more…

Posted by David Hamilton in Communication, Marriage and tagged , , , , , ,

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