Marriage: A Three-Ring Circus

I love the circus, especially the large three-ring circus where there are always at least three shows happening at once. If you love the circus and want to know more about its interesting history and role in popular culture…

this blog post will be of no help at all with that.

On the other hand, I have some thoughts about work and responsibility in marriage. These seem to organize themselves rather nicely into three areas  or circles of responsibility.

In the center ring is the work of controlling yourself, doing the right thing for the right reason and managing your emotions and their expression. When the acts in the other rings are not going well, you can always bring your attention back to the center ring. You are responsible to see that this goes well. You can jump in at any time and save the show. If there is a fall here, you are to blame. No matter what happens anywhere else, this show must go on. If you lose your way, get disoriented, and are not sure where you are, assume you are here. Bad things happen in a marriage when this area is neglected. Responsibility is avoided and blame for misdeeds is placed on the spouse.

In the second ring is the work of your spouse. This is where your husband or wife works on self-control, doing the right thing for the right reason, and managing emotions and their expression. Your spouse is running the show here. You can watch with great interest, entertainment, sadness, or excitement, but it is not your show. Stay out of the ring. The failures are the responsibility of your spouse. The growth opportunities also belong to your spouse. Don’t deny them that. You may be tempted to jump in here to manage your own anxiety, to control what you need not control, or to avoid time in the center ring. Careful!

In the third ring is that complicated place where you each take some responsibility for how the other person feels and acts. This is a legitimate performance. It is not some rogue troupe operating without a permit because of rule of thumb #121: “you can only be responsible for yourself and your own emotional well-being.” That rule is very helpful in reminding us to keep our eyes on the center ring but close relationships, especially intimate relationships do not blindly follow that rule. Think about when you first met your spouse. You really did take it on yourself to have that person like you and feel comfortable around you. You want to make them feel safe and cared for.  (If we can step outside the G-rating a moment, in the consummation of marriage your job clearly is to create a feeling in your spouse.) The communication in this ring may be explicit or very subtle, depending on the experience and level of expertise of the performers. The most risky of performances takes place here. There are injuries from time to time. But there is a shared understanding of the goals and each has given the other permission and invitation to meddle in their emotions and behaviors. The shared understanding and permission are the key entrance requirements for this ring of activity. Without those, the only other ring where you can participate is the center ring.

With all these shows going on at once, no wonder marriage can be hard work. (Can I push the analogy and say that marriage can also be the Greatest Show on Earth?)

FAQs

Question: What about friendships and other relationships?

Answer: Although I’ve used the language of marriage in the discussion above, much (but not all) of it can be applied to other relationships.

Question: Does God have any role in this?

Answer: God? He came up with the whole design that makes it all possible and then he built the tent himself. He is your biggest fan and benefactor. The Holy Spirit acts as your most faithful critic. God is the only one you can see sometimes from the center ring. He is the one you entrust your spouse to in the ring next to yours. He is your trainer and mentor. He is the one that will participate with us in the third ring, providing the foundation of safety and trust that allows us to take the risks involved. Does God have a role? Are you kidding me?

(christian counseling, christian psychologist, Christian Marriage Counseling)