If your goal is to whittle away at the foundation of your relationship each time you fight, here are 10 field-tested strategies. They are in no particular order and can be used in any combination you like.

There is one foundational strategy that is not optional. You must hand over control of your emotions to the other person. That way, when you get so mad that you yell, or behave in some other offensive manner,  it is only because they have made you so mad. They had better try to keep you calm. If emotions cause you to shut down or get overwhelmed, it is also because they made you feel so bad. Either way, they better be more careful. This is known as the Eggshell strategy.

With that foundational strategy in mind, you are ready to pick freely from the 10 listed below.

  1. Never let the other side revise their position or back away from the words they said. If they said it, they have to live with it.
  2. Ask questions that lead them to admit where they were wrong. If they resist answering your questions, shame them by pointing out the obvious: They must not really want to talk it out.
  3. Once the argument gets going, do not stop until it’s settled. If your partner thinks they have to get some sleep or get to work, they had better reevaluate what is important to them. If you have to get some sleep or take care of an obligation, you are only being responsible.
  4. If you have to end the argument before it’s settled, make sure you get the last word in. Try doing this over your shoulder as you leave, for greatest effect.
  5. Don’t hesitate to quote supporting sources, such as friends and family whom you have briefed on the issues. Make it clear that the briefing has been extensive.
  6. Let it be known that you care less about the relationship than winning the argument. This way your partner can freely choose between losing the argument or losing the relationship. It’s really up to them.
  7. Make as many points as you can at once. The points don’t even have to be related as long as they all connect to the same emotion. The slightest break in your partner’s speech is an invitation for you to launch into another set of points. If the other person is just rambling, you don’t have to wait for a pause, of course. Just jump in. (As an alternative, if this hyper-verbal strategy does not suit your personality, develop the silent treatment into an art form.)
  8. Tell the other person what they are doing and why, what they mean, what they want, and what they feel. You can’t trust them to get it right.  They would be lost without you. Wouldn’t they?
  9. In between fights, make the most of your time by taking note of anything done by your partner that can be used to your advantage. Be sure your partner has no idea at the time that you are unhappy with what they are doing or you will lose the element of surprise. When you bring it up later to support your point, they may want to clarify their actions or intent. Don’t fall for it. Tell them you are not going to let them dig up the past. What’s done is done.
  10. Review your strategy often with a trusted friend of the opposite sex because, after all, you need someone who understands you and accepts you for who you are.

Dr. David Hamilton is a clinical psychologist at the Christian Counseling Center of West Michigan