Boundaries and Respect in Marriage (and Soccer)

Boundaries and respect are important in all areas of life and almost always have to be learned from experience. I understand that marriage differs from soccer and since my wife’s shins bruise easily, I really don’t get the two confused very often. But, there are some similarities.

In college, I had the good fortune of being coached by a former member of the Brazilian national soccer team. English was clearly not his first language. He had some key phrases he would repeat, at varying intensities, trying to wring out the last possible bit of meaning from the words. Hand gestures were added liberally to the phrases to provide additional nuances.  But the things he could do with that soccer ball!

One of the phrases he would say was, “Don’t go crazy!” This would usually be accompanied by the back of one of his hands slapping against the palm of his other hand.  By that, he meant to keep the right amount of distance between us and the opposing player. If we got too close, too quickly, and stabbed at the ball, the other player was likely to turn aside and our momentum would carry us out of the play. He would tell us that in his country another player would never guard that closely. They would keep their distance out of respect. He told us of players who did not respect the boundary and got a leg broken intentionally from an adversary. If the referee wasn’t going to enforce the boundary, the player would. That got our attention!

At other times our coach would use the same slapping gesture with the single word, “You!” This meant that we were to go after the ball and be more aggressive. Guard more closely. (We were confused at first too.) It took some trial and error to find where the boundary was, so we could respect it. Since soccer is a competitive event  and, as Sun Tzu says, all warfare is based on deception, we couldn’t expect the other team to identify their boundaries openly and directly. We made a few mistakes.

Luckily, deception doesn’t have to be so central in marriage. It’s okay to identify boundaries in marriage openly and directly. (Was Sun Tzu married?)

Two Ways to Disrespect Boundaries

Ignoring No: It seems there are at least two ways to show disrespect for an adversary in soccer. One way is to guard too closely, in which case, the player or the referee enforce a boundary. We show disrespect when we intentionally trample boundaries. We can do the same in marriage when we do not take notice of, or believe the “No” signals from our spouse. The message is, “You don’t have the right to set your own boundaries. So I’ll set them for you.” Example: You don’t want to talk about this right now? Well, I do. So we will.

Ignoring Yes: I watched an indoor soccer game a few days ago where a girls team played a boys team. After the game, I heard one of the female players say that she didn’t like it when the referee would incorrectly call fouls in the girls’ favor,  to over-protect them from the boys. It was embarrassing to the girls and seemed disrespectful. We can do the same in marriage when we do not take notice of, or believe the “Yes” signals. We send the message, “You don’t have the ability to set your own boundaries. So, I’ll set them for you.” Example: I won’t even ask you to do that favor for me, because even if you say, “Yes”, I know you really don’t want to.

Jesus said, “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’”

I think that also means it’s okay to let others’ ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’ and their ‘No’, ‘No’.

Dr. David Hamilton is a clinical psychologist at the Christian Counseling Center of West Michigan