The Other 167 Hours

Taking Turns: Do we ever really learn?

In a world without peers, or equals, there would never be a problem with taking turns. If someone has a higher status than you, of course they would go first and you would go next, if at all. If you have a higher status, then you never have to wait for others, right? Everything’s fine. No confusion. No problem. Everyone knows who goes first at the intersection, who steps aside when you meet in a hallway, who enters the door first.

But what if there is another? An equal, a peer, a spouse? What if we each have strong opinions and emotions that we need to understand and communicate (not necessarily in that order.) Let’s add into the mix a fear I have that I will never get a turn if you go first. What if what you say only makes what I have to say more urgent? What if it has to be solved now? What if there is no time to waste, because these emotions are so uncomfortable that I can’t imagine just containing them for another day or so.

Or, (here’s a twist), what if I already know better than you what you are experiencing and what you need to say? It would just be silly for me to just sit there and see you get it wrong, right?

Or, what if I know how hard it is for you to communicate? I’m not so sure it would be good for you to have all this time to try to express things. I mean, I see you feeling this pain as you talk, a frustration as you search for the right words. I could help, right? I could finish your sentences and fill in a word or two. I could just go ahead with my turn, since that would let you off the hook. It would be the only kind thing to do.

It seems there are a lot of impulses that would complicate the whole turn-taking thing, even though I’m sure they must have covered it back when I was in kindergarten. When it comes to talking, it’s just too easy to get the turns all jumbled up.

What I need are some simple rules for those intense conversations where taking turns is REALLY important but REALLY hard.

1. It doesn’t matter who goes first, because we will have enough time. When one day ends, God usually makes another. If he doesn’t… We’re still okay.
2. While someone else is talking, it’s okay to distrust that little voice of urgency inside my head. If it’s still so important when it’s my turn, it’ll come back up.
3. In times like these, when I’m sure I understand what the other person is saying, before they’ve said it, I don’t. Or, at best, it doesn’t matter right now. Because sometimes they are talking not just so I can understand but so that they can understand themselves.
4. I don’t need to rescue the other person if they are having a hard time communicating. If I do, I rob them of the chance to find the right word and I confirm any feeling of inadequacy they may have about expressing themselves. Besides that, I may be wrong. They may not be as uncomfortable as I think they are.

Again and again, I see huge chunks of communication problems in marriage orbiting around these rules being broken.

For now I have to admit that we never really learnto take turns, the way we learn to ride a bike. I’m just shooting for remembering to take turns.