Grief: What if it still hurts?
When a new year begins, we all become more aware of the passing of time and the passing of years.
It’s a good time to think about the blessings of the past year and identify hopes and goals for the future. I would recommend you do that.
But that’s not all that happens, is it?
(By the way, those of you who have had no pain or disappointment in your life can skip to the end now. Thanks.)
We also realize that it’s one more year since that loss, or one more year of dealing with some pain or hurt. We say to ourselves, “Wow, it’s been 3 years, (or 5, or 20) and it still hurts! How can that be? I didn’t know it would last this long.”
What if it still hurts? Is that okay? Is it normal?
I used to believe that life was a series of events and experiences and each one has its own time and emotions, then you move on to the next, kind of like flipping through a picture book. But I believe now that life happens in interwoven experiences and emotions, layers stacked on top of one another. It’s more like a sandwich you bite into. All of those experiences add to the taste and texture. Yes, sometimes I do wish that we could just have one at a time, preferably just the sweet ones.
We grieve over someone dying at the same time we learn of a new birth. A friend lands their dream job while our neighbor’s company closes. A friend tells you that she just met the man of her dreams while you are aching inside from the email you just got from your brother saying that his marriage is over. Your child says you are the best parent in the world while your other child hasn’t talked to you in months.
All of these layers happen. They are all there. They are all real. They all move us. We remember them. We become them.
This new year will come with all of its own texture. Allow your life to have the texture it needs this year. Know that the layers are all there. You get to have all of them. You have to have all of them. That’s the deal. The only life you get is the real one.
It’s okay if the hurt is still there somewhere. But, it’s not the only layer, is it? God made life very thick. He knew what he was doing.
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How do you not get stuck within the layers??…?? How do you stay on the last layer? I really like this article…. it is getting me thinking… which is good
I think the key is accepting that they are all there – understanding that life is designed to be that way. Remembering that God is present in every layer and knows about each one.
Thanks for this reminder, because sometimes in the busyness of life we can forget this. Especially on the days when life makes no sense at all. :) LOVE your writing!
You’re welcome, gerty. Good to hear from you.
If god is present in every layer and knows about each one, why doesn’t it get better? Am I doing something wrong?
With grief “getting better” will not be the kind of getting better where there is no longer a whole where the missing object was. It will still be gone but we will find a way to reorganize our life taking that into account and making the loss “fit” into our life. It means that even though the loss may touch every area of our life it is not what makes up our life. We will still be sad and miss what we lost.
This was the first post I read on this blog. I just recently lost a friend and thought this link I attached at the bottom to a song by Hillsong might be helpful to anyone who has grief in their life and is still hurting…. hope you like it.
Oh, this is a good post. Just think of all the layers we’ve built (well, depending how many decades you’ve lived, I guess – some of us more than others). I’m not sure I’ve ever thought of life in layers; I’ve always been a “time line” kind of person. But I really like the layer picture…like a hamburg with everthing on it – all the layers of goo get mushed & mixed up together. Much more life like than a straight line.
“With grief “getting better” will not be the kind of getting better where there is no longer a whole where the missing object was. It will still be gone but we will find a way to reorganize our life taking that into account and making the loss “fit” into our life. It means that even though the loss may touch every area of our life it is not what makes up our life. We will still be sad and miss what we lost.”
Thank you for your words of wisdom and hope; this helps right now.
So are these two different cheryl’s ? :).
I agree… Thankful for words of wisdom!
In January I know I read this blog but reading it again I see it differently. I do like the concept of layers and think of a quilt. My layers however feel like they are leaded and weigh me down. I wish I had some, no a lot of ‘down’ in between the layers to lighten the weight.
Sorry, L, just saw your May 25 post. No, they’re the same Cheryl. I posted the second one two weeks after my Mom died & was on the blog re-reading some articles.