At least believe me!
When someone close tells us something that evokes uncomfortable feelings, it can be very easy to convey “that just couldn’t be!” Now, if they have told you that a conspiracy is underway to personally target your trash bags so that they always rip open just as you are taking them across the carpet, then… okay. But when your spouse is telling you something about herself, for example, how disappointed she was that you didn’t notice her new hair style… no.
“That can’t be! You knew how tired I was last night. That’s crazy!” or a similar statement by you, could almost be misconstrued to be saying that what she said is crazy and couldn’t be true.. to the casual observer.
As this type of interaction is repeated over time, your spouse will feel the frustration of not being believed. Then the ground is all prepared for resentment, confusion, or an emotional cut off.
When our marriage is in conflict we can spend an alarming amount of time and energy trying to persuade the other person that what they felt doesn’t make sense so it really didn’t happen. When it’s put that way we can see the futility of it. So why do we do it?
As with most things we do, we have multiple motivations, but I believe that one key factor here is that it can be very uncomfortable for someone to think ill of us and we want to make it not be true. In the process we build walls between us and tire ourselves out. We can make the mistake of thinking that if we accept at face value what they say, then it can never change. Just the opposite is true. To be believed, to be given the benefit of the doubt, opens a safe clearing in between us where we can meet and learn about each other better.
There is work to be done in the clearing once we’re there. Still, it’s a lot less work, in the end, then trying to convince someone that what they thought they felt, doesn’t make sense so they really didn’t feel it.
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David Hamilton
I think if we’re really honest with ourselves, we’d admit how true this is. I have been on both ends, sorry to say. And both are definitely uncomfortable. I will work harder at this.
Thanks for reminding us!
This type of behavior defines manipulation. It undermines a person’s ability to trust their own instincts, thoughts, and emotions. It’s purely a control tactic…harmful to an individual and devastating to a relationship.
Yes, unfortunately, I have seen relationships devastated by this.
But when your spouse is telling you something about herself, for example, how disappointed she was that you didn’t notice her new hair style… no.
“That can’t be! You knew how tired I was last night. That’s crazy!”
I’m not so sure I see this scenerio as controlling. So who’s manipulating who then? She appears to be alittle self-absorbed at the moment. Maybe he really was tired last night. Granted he should have said something other than “that’s crazy”, but we’ve all said things we regret, especially when we’re tired.
Maybe she’s ultra-sensitive and he’s needing affirmation.
Sounds more like a communication thing. She wants to be noticed and he wants to be appreciated for working so hard.
You could be right. In which case, not being believed about what each is experiencing is only going to make things worse. We want to be met where we are.
Ok, I see your point. You’re absolutely right, we do want to be met where we are. Thanks for your writing!
Well, I don’t know if I’m ‘absolutely’ right :) but thanks for the comments.
I wonder if there is an absolutly right where we humans are concerned.Seems we always need to be ready to go with the flow so to speak.Self examintion does however need to apply to our personalities as well as our bodies.Good post and good stuff to think about.