More Emotions of Fatherhood
Do I have what it takes? That’s the question that John Eldredge suggests every boy is asking as he grows up. It got me thinking about boys and fatherhood and the emotions of fatherhood.
Young boys want to be powerful and dangerous and wonder if they can handle it. So, they go about following a long scientific tradition: Do something and see what happens. Jump off the bed and see how that goes. Climb the tree and drop from a higher branch than last time. Shoot the rock straight up in the air and see who it hits. Can I do it? Can I survive it? How does it feel to make things move, break, fly? If I get to decide how high, how fast, how hard, how big, will I make the right choice? Can I handle it? Do I have what it takes?
I’m certain all of those activities produce a range of diverse and exciting emotions in the young boy. If this were about the emotions of childhood I would explore those but I want to look at the emotions of fatherhood. How should a father feel about all this? How does a father feel about all this?
Whether we like it or not, admit it or not, fathering a son is an emotional task. We will feel something. To be a father and deny this is to walk blindfolded. “Who needs all those confusing images hitting my retina anyway? I know where I’m going!”
So, your son is likely asking, “Do I have what it takes?” You may ask along with him, “Does he have what it takes?” The possible answers come to you wrapped in emotions. What are they?
- Pride and admiration, because he does have what it takes?
- Amazement and thankfulness, because you have no idea where it came from?
- Fear, because he doesn’t have what it takes and his life will be hard?
- Fear, because people will blame it on you?
- Confusion, because you’re not sure what to do about it?
- Anger or impatience, because he thinks he can do things but you think he can’t?
- Frustration and impatience, because you think he has what it takes but he is convinced he doesn’t?
- Sadness, because it reminds you that at that age you were sure you didn’t have what it takes?
- Anxiety and self-consciousness, because you still feel that way?
- Anger and bitterness, for the same reason?
- Loss of respect for him, because you have always known you have what it takes and cannot relate to his fears?
- Guilt, because it’s your fault he doesn’t have what it takes?
- Jealousy or rage, because it’s not right that he can be so confident and you lived in fear as a child?
Yes, as fathers, we ask these questions, get these answers and feel these emotions. Part of the work of fatherhood is recognizing and managing these emotions. The better you respond to them, the better off you and your son will be. And yes, there are more coming.
David Hamilton
I note with some wry amusement that no father has commented on this post. I think a thank you is in order for the actual names and descriptions given. Sometimes it’s hard to even begin to explain what I’m feeling. An enlightening list.
I’ve made the same observation. Hmmm.