On the Death of a Small Civilization
Apparently it was Pat Conroy, author of the Prince of Tides, who first said, “Each divorce is the death of a small civilization.” I think of his words every time a couple in my office tells me they are heading toward divorce.
Marital work is the hardest work I do as a psychologist. It is impossible for me to do it well without becoming personally invested in the success of the marriage. I gather all the hope I can find and pile it together. When the death occurs, I feel grief “as if a million voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.” I don’t pretend to feel the loss to the extent that my clients feel it when a marriage ends. But I do feel it.
I also feel the stock price of my marriage rise at those times. I suppose this is similar to the ER nurse who is the most ardent proponent of wearing bike helmets because she has seen so many head injuries. The higher the value of my marriage rises, the stronger the grief over the ending of others, preparing the cycle of hope and grief to continue.
You know, we could disarm quite a chunk of our grief if we never piled up the hope. But, taking seriously my obligation to hope is part of what it means to be a Christian psychologist.
Here I find another intersection of the two stories we live in. The eternal story of Christ loving the church as a bridegroom loves his bride runs along next to an earthly story of a bridegroom separating from his bride. We live in a story that is a shadow of The Story which has more substance, more reality, more endurance, more fulfillment, less heart sickness.
Love… always hopes – I Corinthians 13
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. – Proverbs 13:12
David Hamilton
“Death”, “grief”, and “heart sick” are appropriate words to describe the ending of a marriage. You said: “You know, we could disarm quite a chunk of our grief if we never piled up the hope.” It is true, it works…at least for a time.
“There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed, to have despaired and have recovered hope. ”
~George Eliot
Thanks for that quote!
I like the quote, on gr8moments’ post, from George Eliot. I’m reading a book, “Change Your Home, Change Your Life” and he is also quoted in this book as saying, “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”
I imagine after a divorce there could be a lot of insecurities, trust issues and self-doubt. It’s not a self-help book, it’s actually about interior designing, but the author opens up about all the positive changes that occured after her divorce. She says, “…….. I had to go through every situation and every relationship to get to who I am today. I am so grateful for it all, the good ones and EVEN the painful ones.”
I imagine the pain is different for everyone, depending on all of the factors. Finally allowing ourselves to be open to new possibilities and having no regrets, I think, is a huge step.
A pastor once told me, “Losing a spouse to death or divorce can feel the same. The difference is with divorce, the corpse is still walking around.”