If time heals all wounds, why do ambulances have sirens?
Healing does take time, but so does gangrene. It would be a mistake to overlook the action oriented aspects of healing. Sometimes there are things we need to do in order to heal. Just waiting is not enough. What we think of as optimism turns out to be neglect.
Couples come to see me for counseling years after they should have. I see adults who have struggled since elementary school with ADHD that was overlooked. Depression can become so familiar that we accept it as the background of our life instead of fighting back.
On the other hand, urgency can get in the way of sound decision making. Needing to have the answer NOW may lead us to the wrong answer.
How am I supposed to know when to act?
I want to suggest working on solutions while trusting God’s time table.
Those are two difficult principles jammed together as if they were one. Most of us have trouble with one more than the other. If we are prone to being fearful and overwhelmed, we have difficulty getting started on active solutions. At our worst we can appear lazy. If we are prone to be impulsive or impatient, we have trouble trusting God’s time table, or even remembering that He has one. At our worst we can appear controlling.
It helps to know which side of the road your car pulls to. Knowing if you are in the first or second group will help you know which way to try to move. If you know you tend to get overwhelmed and stalled, search hard for an active step you can take. If you know you tend toward impatience, lift your eyes from the task long enough to pray and remember God has a time table. If you don’t know which one you are, ask your spouse. Then try to err on the opposite side. Go ahead. Try. You probably won’t be able to but the trying will help you learn something new.
I’ve listed below some simple examples of action oriented steps for the first group. (The second group won’t know they’ve been left out because they’ve already skimmed to the end and are on another web site by now.) Oh, by the way, ruminating on fears and imagining possible negative outcomes does not count as an action step.
Marital Distress
Write out a list of 10 things you would like your spouse to know about you and share them with your spouse. The “about you” is the key phrase here. Make the last item on your list, “I would like to learn 10 new things about you.”
Depressed mood
Take 100 steps somewhere, listening intently to the sounds, watching intently the light, shadows and various color shades.
Anxiety
Act out a caricature of being overwhelmed by anxiety that is so ridiculous even you can’t believe it any more.
Parenting Frustrations
Write out 10 rules for the household and put them on the refrigerator. Ask your children to pick the best and worst to talk about.
I could make the list longer but the only action step that matters is the one you take. Once you really believe there are actions to take and you determine to err on the side of too much action, you will be able to think of one.
And now since time alone is not healing my tooth ache, I’m calling the dentist.
David Hamilton
This article has prompted me to action, I have mentally started writing out my list and will put it on paper today!
I hope your tooth ache is better, they can be such a bother.
I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when you said…………
(The second group won’t know they’ve been left out because they’ve already skimmed to the end and are on another web site by now.)
because we all know people like this. Sorry if you didn’t intend for it to be humorous, I just thought it was so funny!
Great article. I’m such a ‘list’ person, we’re trying the “10 Rules for the Household” (Parenting Frustrations)
This is getting forwarded to others.
Thank you for this and for all the other ones you’ll be writing in the very near future.
I can try the 100 steps to fight depression, but sitting here I wonder if I’ll be so focused on counting that I’ll forget to look around, see and smell. But, I can do 100 steps. Your comment “Depression can become so familiar that we accept it as the background of our life instead of fighting back” is so absolutely true. I’m not sure I even remember what being happy feels like.