The Other 167 Hours

Just learn to talk to each other? Really?

I find myself, when working with couples, trying to convince them of the following principle:

Even though there is issue x,y & z that seem to be the problem, if you learn to talk to each other first, x,y & z will not be such an issue.

It sounds simplistic. Right? Talk, talk, talk, blah, blah, blah.. Let’s get down to the “REAL” issues!

Here is how it works and it really is far from simple.

Communicating effectively with another person is one of the most complex things we do. There are a lot of pieces that have to fall into place for that to happen. Those pieces impact not just x, y & z, but problems down the road such as m, l & q. Here is just a partial list of the underlying tasks.

1. make time for each other
2. be curious about each other
3. believe the other person wants to know you
4. be willing to let the other person know something about you
5. believe that there is something about you that is valuable enough to share
6. believe there is something about the other person that you do not fully understand, but want to
7. feel a sense of underlying commitment that can withstand momentary conflict
8. understand yourself, but also admit you don’t entirely understand yourself
9. impulse control in terms of behavior and choice of words
10. being able to tolerate unpleasant emotions and contain them when needed
11. organize confusing emotions into manageable words
12. believe the relationship is important enough to work on
13. believe there is hope for the relationship
14. empathy, trust, patience, hope, commitment…
15. and on and on

A lot going on there, huh? Imagine if all of those were in place how much easier it would be to face x, y & z!

So, I guess instead of saying “you need to learn to talk to each other better“, I could say “you each need to…” and then start going through the above list one by one. It’s just simpler to say “you need to learn to talk to each other.” But don’t confuse simple to say with simple to do.