The Other 167 Hours

It shouldn’t be this hard!

How hard should [insert your situation here] be? How hard is it supposed to be?

I bring up this question because it has huge implications for our mood and consequently, our level of functioning, including interacting with others.

We ask this question about school, growing up, relationships, college, dating, work, marriage, parenting, finances, growing old, life, (golf?)… and then we think of an answer. For some reason, in my experience, personally and with my clients, the answer tends to be, “Not this hard!”

But, how do I know that? Where have I gotten my ideas of how hard life should be?

Do I really need a history lesson here about how hard life has been in past generations. Or, do I really need to travel outside the United States and see the hardships others deal with?

Let’s look at three possible scenarios.

Scenario One

There are times when this question is helpful to ask. When you are putting together that “easy to assemble” toy on Christmas afternoon, asking this question may actually lead to reading the directions and finding out, “No, it really isn’t supposed to be this hard.“

Scenario Two

There are other times when the answer might be, “Yes, it is supposed to be this hard” and then we can evaluate our resources and commitment to the project and, based on what we now know, decide to opt out.

Scenario Three

Let’s talk about the tough one.

Sometimes the answer is, “Yes, it really is supposed to be this hard.” Or, the shorter version, which is more to the point, “Yes, this is this hard.” The supposed to be part is kinda’  irrelevant because here we are and here it is with all it’s hardness. And, to make matters worse, we really have no opt out possibility that we are willing to take.

There’s no way around it.

Ideally, one would say at this point, “Oh, this is harder than I thought. Ok.” and get to work. But, instead, we repeat somewhere in our head, “It shouldn’t  be this hard. It shouldn’t be this hard.” This is called arm wrestling with reality.

Believe me.  In an arm wrestling match with reality, reality wins. Hard is one thing. Impossible is another.

We are all familiar with people who have knowingly chosen to accomplish hard things without ever asking the “should be” question. Yes, it’s hard but they don’t lose emotional control over it. The mountain climber doesn’t yell at the mountain, usually. The Tri-athlete doesn’t yell at his bike, usually.

It all comes down to whether or not we think we are being treated unfairly. “This hardness is an undeserved punishment. The Smiths are not having such a hard time. Why am I?”  And then we think of an answer. Some are helpful and some are not.

“Because I’m cursed“, wouldn’t be one of the helpful ones. This is a variation of “God hates me!” or “The world is against me.” Or, a real relationship builder, “People are just out to get me.“

“Because I deserve it,” can be helpful if it leads to honest self-evaluation, seeking forgiveness, changing, and making restitution where appropriate. It is not a helpful answer for someone who does not understand forgiveness, mercy, and grace.

It would be great if my “go to” answer were “Hmmm. I don’t know. But, it is.  It would be nice if it were easier.  But,  I might as well get to work.”  You could very rarely go wrong with that. Unless, of course you tack on the end, the seemingly harmless, “Or I’ll never hear the end of it from my spouse.” (feel free to substitute for spouse, boss, brother, mother, father, child, mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, etc.) This statement has to be an acknowledgment that You are deciding that after weighing all the options, going ahead and getting to work is the right thing to do.

As I mentioned at the start, this stuff has huge implications for mood and interactions with others. Learning how to deal with it  is worth the effort. And yes, learning this is supposed to be hard.