What is forgiveness?
Let’s be clear on one point. We do bad things.
We are not “good people” in the absolute sense. We are people of worth, but we do decidedly bad things. Things where, “Oh, that’s okay” doesn’t really cover it. It really wasn’t “okay”, that thing we did. But we can admit our bad deeds if there is such a thing as forgiveness.
If there is no forgiveness then we probably would be better off telling ourselves that we are good people that never really mean to hurt anyone. We make mistakes, but don’t do bad things. Apart from not being true, this attitude would serve us well… if forgiveness did not exist.
Luckily, true forgiveness really does exist. So what is it? Forgetting? Accepting an apology? Acting as if it never happened?
I’ve heard recently that the key to a happy marriage is a short memory. Forgive and forget! But those are two different things, forgiving and forgetting. The former takes a conscious effort; the latter is sabotaged by conscious effort.
- I only need you to forget if there is no forgiveness.
- I only need you to forgive if there is no forgetting.
But it isn’t strictly necessary in a good relationship for both to happen. One is sufficient. Of course, that depends on how we define forgiveness I suppose.
Here is my favorite definition of forgiveness. It’s not original with me and I’m sorry I can’t tell you where I heard it. Forgiveness is giving up the right to retaliate. It’s taking a pass when the opportunity to get revenge presents itself. It’s letting the person off the hook. Forgetfulness really doesn’t play a role here.
If you come over and knock my ice-cream cone out of my hand, most people would understand if I did the same back to you. I would, kind of, have the right to. That is how I could retaliate. I could also, make a face at you, call you names, and whisper bad things about you to all my friends. Those actions would also be retaliation, or even, to put it in a nastier voice, “Revenge!” No forgiving in this scenario. No forgetting either.
I could try to forget (difficult). I could accidently forget (a little easier). But I bet if I were ever to stand next to you with ice-cream in my hand again, it would all come back to me.
Or , I could forgive you. My ice-cream would still be on the ground and you would still have yours. I would have to buy another. I would remember what happened and maybe hesitate to eat ice-cream next to you again. I would not say, “It really didn’t bother me”, because it did. I have not forgotten. But, I have relinquished my right to retaliate, in any form. That doesn’t mean I lose the right to protect my ice-cream the next time. But I am not going after you for a pound of flesh (or a pound of ice-cream.)
Let’s make this a little more graphic. If you stab me with a knife (emotionally, let’s say), and I forgive you, you do not need to fear being stabbed. But please don’t expect me to not talk about it with you. That would be confusing forgiveness with forgetting. I mean, I need help. I’m bleeding and you might have to take me to the hospital. I may show you my scar weeks later. I may ask you to reach that jar on the top shelf for me because the wound still hurts. But I will not say these things to hurt you or get back at you. It may hurt you to see my scar, but that is not me retaliating, It is your guilt and remorse doing their job.
A couple gets into trouble when one of them says they forgive the other but keeps bringing it up like a hammer to “even the score.” In their defense they may say, “Well, I can’t just forget it happened.” No, but they can monitor their motives in bringing it up. They can pass on the opportunity to hurt back.
A couple also gets into trouble when they try to enforce a strict “water under the bridge” policy and allow no past hurts to be mentioned. Pretending to have forgotten is not the same as forgiveness. Sometimes healing the wound requires remembering and returning to process the event or ongoing consequences of the event. Making the topic off limits can hinder the healing process.
So, I guess I would like to change the motto from “forgive and forget” to “forgive OR forget.” We really don’t need both.
And forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
David Hamilton
Anxious for more to read!
Amen.
How fabulous would that be to have all of these (very helpful) articles combined into….. let’s say……. a book?
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“Sometimes healing the wound requires remembering and returning to process the event or ongoing consequences of the event. Making the topic off limits can hinder the healing process.”
I’ve proven over & over that shutting the door on a wound or topic just holds it static, allegedly hidden (Ha!) But ya never know when that door is gonna open — and the wound is still bleeding and the topic is still waiting to be discussed & processed.
What do you think the difference between having grace and forgiveness is than? If someone wrongs you and you don’t retaliate that would be grace, right? One thing that I learned as a christian is when I show grace to someone who is so undeserving of it, they for sure wonder why the heck would you do that… after what I did? What a great opportunity for us to show that light for Jesus. I am the first to raise my hand that I struggle with forgiving a few people…. I often wonder how much it hinders my walk with God. It’s a hard step for me for sure… But if God can move mountains He can move me to forgive those few people…. (augh… I sure would love to shove an ice cream cone in that persons face though) Forgiveness is a hard thing sometimes. It for sure is an important part of the healing process, so I am told.