Marriage Spinning Out of Control
There’s a concept that I am certain is crucial for our development. I’ve been trying to find the best way to communicate it for some time now. I’m pretty sure there have been times when I’ve tried and failed. In those times, I’ve probably made it sound like a crazy idea. For a while, I even stopped trying to communicate it because if taken wrong, it could be rather offensive.
Have I gotten you nervous now?
I think I’ve found an analogy that may help me. If not, please forgive me. Let me know and I’ll keep working on it.
Remember merry-go-rounds? It’s curious that they have somehow managed to survive so long without seat-belt laws. But it just wouldn’t be the same with out the challenge of hanging on. Remember that one “darling child” who would keep spinning it faster and faster, undeterred by the children on board begging to slow down? Sorry, if I’ve awakened any repressed memories.
From what I’ve observed, there are at least two methods for exiting the merry-go-round.
Exit Method #1: Hold on to the outside rail until the centrifugal force pries open your numb fingers and you fly off into space, toward a painful landing.
Exit Method #2: Find a secure stance and position in relation to the middle. With the right balance of thrill and safety, you wait until the ride is done. Then, walk off on your own two feet, calm and under control.
Many children who fly off will be hesitant to ride another merry-go-round. When they do, they may either re-experience the same problem or err on the side of safety as they huddle in the middle, yelling “slow down.” If you huddle in the middle, you get a merely boring experience, lying on a hard metal floor with none of the excitement but all of the dizziness.
I want to suggest that for certain life situations there are also at least two ways to exit. They have a lot in common with exiting a merry-go-round. The life situation may be a relationship, a job, or something else. It’s a life challenge where the thrill, speed, or inertia has turned into a negative force strong enough to make you doubt your grip . You feel like you have no option but to fly free of it, taking your lumps in the landing.
I’m interested in how it applies in marriage. *
There are times when a couple or individual comes to me on the edge of ending a marriage with exit method #1. They are about to fly off and take whatever wounds may come from the landing. Unless there are overwhelming reasons not to do so, I try my best to help them avoid the “fly off” method, with the hope that when they learn what they need to learn, they will decide that a permanent exit is not as necessary as they once thought it was.
I want them to take advantage of the opportunity to learn and grow in a way that makes the marriage less injurious.
Key Concept: There are some skills you can only develop on a spinning merry-go-round. You can’t learn them on the ground after you fly off.
If you can manage to learn what you need to learn while on the merry-go-round, a couple of new outcomes become possible.
Outcome A:You have grown in confidence and ability, becoming a better person. You decide it feels different than it used to. You start to think of the merry-go-round as a fine and decent way to spend one’s time. You keep riding, realizing the challenge in the past was a mixture of some qualities of the merry-go-round and some underdeveloped skill on your part. The little darling that was spinning it so fast has also grown tired and is investing his energy in something more productive. It’s just no fun when no one flies off.
Outcome B: You have grown in confidence and ability, becoming a better person. You can choose the time and place to exit safely and under control. You will be ready if you ever ride a merry-go-round again. In the case of marriage, I hope that the “exit” will be a temporary separation, which you can do peacefully now, and that you will decide to return to the marriage. In other words, you don’t need to find a different merry-go-round.
Notice that either way you have grown in confidence and ability, becoming a better person. The marriage ends up being a successful training ground for a new skill.
The skill may be empathy, assertiveness, emotional regulation, boundaries maintenance, hope, healthy independence and healthy interdependence, tolerance for discomfort, forgiveness, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Some things you can only learn on a merry-go-round.
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* Please understand that I am not turning a blind eye to domestic violence, infidelity, severe psychopathology, child endangerment or entrenched immorality. I also understand that in states like Michigan, if one partner is determined to divorce, the other partner has no means to stop it.
David Hamilton
Your analogy of the merry-go-round is good, I like it, using marriage as place to learn and grow in confidence and ability.
Thank you for this post, because it brought back some great memories as a child. But it also gave me more to think about as an adult.
I think this would also be a great analogy for parenting. Talk about the ride of your life!
But as far as adult relationships go, I think sometimes we can give too much control to the one spinning our merry-go-round. I mean sometimes in life it’s just going to spin on it’s own, because that’s life! But sometimes we let others control it. That “little darling” has now grown-up into a “big darling”. (with different intentions though) We keep letting this same person ‘spin us’ because MAYBE next time it’ll be different. Maybe he just didn’t hear me yelling “Please stop!” or maybe he thought I was laughing and not crying or maybe he feels he knows what’s better for me more than I do? But then, one day, we FINALLY understand and we just decide not to get on the merry-go-round again, at least not with certain operators. And hopefully, as you said, we have grown.
I noticed you included the Gifts of the Spirit at the end. Great things to strive for.