Happiness Is Not For Wimps
There was a rather popular book years ago entitled “Happiness is a choice.” The book has shown remarkable staying power, being updated multiple times, new covers, etc.. It’s helped many people, I’m sure.
The thing is… The title has always bothered me.
I know it was probably meant to be encouraging but it struck me as too simplistic or too… I’m not sure what. I just really did not like the title. I think I stopped short of obsessing about it but I do remember trying to make up witty comebacks in my head, like “No, happiness is an emotion. Buying your book is a choice.”
I guess this was in case… the author ever cornered me in a back alley and kept yelling the title at me?
Funny story: I ended up doing my internship at a clinic founded by the authors of that book. It turns out the authors really were knowledgeable, competent, and caring clinicians and the book had some decent things to say. But the main point of this story is not ”Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Believe it or not, I’m working up to a main point here.
I think a more appropriate title would be, “Happiness is a Challenge”, which of course, would sell exactly zero books. I might try “Happiness is not for Wimps”, though. It has a book-title ring to it.
And it brings me to my main point.
Gripping on to happiness can be a lot of hard work that requires courage, independence, and even stubbornness.
The word “choice” really doesn’t capture all that.
Think about it. There are times when being happy might just get you labeled by others (or yourself) as irresponsible, unmotivated, naive, uncaring, or downright crazy.
Here’s how all those labels are applied in many an unhappy head.
- irresponsible: In a situation like this when [insert your situation here], the only responsible and mature thing is to feel unhappy.
- unmotivated: If I’m happy, that means I’ll never accomplish things in life. What’s to motivate you if you’re already happy?
- naive: Ignorance is bliss. So, if I’m happy, I’m missing something.
- uncaring: My spouse is not happy. It would be incredibly uncaring for me to be.
- downright crazy: It makes no sense to be happy. The data does not support it. It goes against all I know about the world around me.
Do a little self-reflection. Do you ever have those thoughts? Are you ever concerned that those around you might have those thoughts? If so, this is where the courage, independence, and stubbornness come into play.
And, oh yeah, choice is in there somewhere too.
David Hamilton
It is so easy to stay as you are. It is a state you know and it seems quite comfortable. A lot of people are frightened to change, ie frightened of happiness and success
I think the old saying goes “misery loves company” right ? I know a little something about the courage it takes to be happy. After enduring 1 1/2 years of my husband’s on-again-off-again extramartital affair followed by another 1 1/2 years of separation and ultimate divorce it was hard to imagine I would ever be happy again. But I am. The road to happiness was not an easy one . It was filled with roadblocks (some of them my own doing-some of them put there by others), detours, and lots of potholes. I think the hardest part of claiming happiness again though was having to justify it to my friends and family. No one thought I should be happy. I would (and still do) be faced with comments like “it’s okay, you don’t have to pretend” or “you talk a good game, but after what you’ve been through no one would blame you for being angry and sad.” I’ll admit that sometimes I almost let them convince me that I couldn’t be happy…that I was “downright crazy” and “irresponsible” for even attempting to claim happiness. Let’s not forget about “ex-guilt.” You know, the guilt you’re supposed to feel for being happy because even though they are living the life of their choices, but still aren’t happy, you shouldn’t be either.
The more I questioned my right to be happy, the more “stubborn” I became. I had sought the guidance of my pastor and a great Christian counselor, and I had done the hard work necessary (I am most certainly deserving of an honorary doctorate’s degree from any Ivy League school)to give me permission to say that I was happy…really!
I would have to agree with you though, the better title would be “Happiness is not for Wimps.” I am most definitely not a wimp.
gr8moments – Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life. I was so glad to read that, despite what you went through, you are now happy. Isn’t it true that we question if we’ll ever be happy again only to realize that we’re happier than we used to be? At least that’s what I’m finding out.
I just finished a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, “Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives”. (Yes, men, she wrote one for you too) :-) She doesn’t just focus on the “stupid” things we do, but what steps we need to take to be happy. She reinforced what I’ve been told all along, so it wasn’t really anything I didn’t already know, just things that I needed to hear – again.
And I have to admit, when I first heard the title, my initial reaction was, “Hey, wait a minute, that’s not fair.” But after reading it, well, I have to agree. Not that we’re stupid, just that sometimes we do stupid things. And when I did “those stupid things” I was VERY unhappy. I now understand why I was so sad. I thought I was behaving or doing things the right way because I was trying to please others. If it makes your spouse happy, then do it! Right? Well, yes, but to a point.
Actually, it’s pretty embarassing that I used to validate my self-worth through another person. I thought standing up for myself was disrespectful or speaking my mind was selfish or saying NO was rude. All these things seemed, well, not very feminine. But as I began to understand the differences and make the necessary changes, I slowly became a happier person. I feel, more of the person God intended for me to be.
And yes, sometimes we don’t want to make these changes because it is “familiar” or “comfortable” or “it hurts” or “it’s too hard” or “it takes too much time” or whatever reasons we invent. But truth be told, I love the fact that I’m becoming myself again and I’ll work at it for as long as it takes.
And I do know one thing for sure, I love being Happy again!
I just happened to come across your blog this morning. I really like this post and the title of it. I like what you wrote about how gripping on to happiness is a lot of hard work… that is so true. I lost my oldest child eight yars ago and gripping on to happiness after that loss was a lot of hard work. A few years after she died, I had to make a decision on how I was going to respond to the rest of my life. And I wanted happiness again. It came with a lot of hard work and the courage to move forward.
Wow! Thank you for your comment jamey.
I could not imagine what it would be like to loose a child after 8 years of building a relationship with her. I just miscarried a few days ago and thinking about joy in the midst of loosing a child seems unthinkable… I am thinking “hard work” and “courage” is a must to move forward. It is amazing how God has us “so happening to come across ” these things to read at the right time when we need them. I have read many articles on this blog for over 6 months an tonight I have read a few posts that I have never read. I very much needed them tonight! It just shows how real God really is!