The Other 167 Hours

I can’t talk to my husband!

I posted earlier a simple rule for men to follow in talking to their wives. Now I have the companion rule for women. I want to make it clear that these rules are not gender specific. Either husband or wife is perfectly able to flagrantly violate both rules.  I just thought I’d address one to the wives and one to the husbands, rather than hit you with it all at once.

(the rule in the previous post was Only tell him something because you want him to know you better.)

New Rule: Only ask him something because you want to know him better.

If you are going to ask him a question, only do it because you really want to know something, preferably about him. These could start with “What you think about … ” or “How do you feel about…” or “Did you know that ….”

Here are some of the wrong motivations for asking him a question. Almost all of them we would not say out loud.

I’m leading you into a trap. I may be building a case like a prosecutor.  I know the answers already, but want to use your own words against you. This is a really quick way to teach him to talk less and less around you.

I want to prove you don’t know what you’re talking about.  I want you to feel stupid and unable to stand up to me because otherwise I might lose.

I want to give the impression that I care but I won’t remember your answer 30 seconds later. This may seem (or even be) innocent. But, as a continual practice it will erode trust.

I know it will hurt you to have to answer this. This is a “getting even” tactic, the opposite of forgiveness. You may need to ask questions that are painful for him to answer, but that should not be your reason for doing it.

I want to know if you will lie to me. I already know the answer and get a sense of satisfaction setting you up to lie. Or, I’m afraid to tell you that I know you’re lying so I’m giving you one more chance to tell the truth. I doubt myself and I am afraid of confronting you.

In general we break this rule because the mutual goal of really knowing each other has been derailed, out of fear or anger.

So, in the previous post and this one I’ve given 2 rules.

Rule 1: Only tell him something because you want him to know you better.

Rule 2: Only ask him something because you want to know him better.

I have a simple way for you to remember these two rules (and I’m willing to sound corny to do it.)

For your conversations to stay on TASK, remember that you only Tell and Ask in order to Show and Know. Cool but corny, right? All I care about is that it sticks in your mind, kinda’ like a Geico commercial.

Please trust me on this. Genuine interest and genuine disclosure are very powerful bonding agents. Almost all the discussions I witness in distressed marriages break these rules with abandon.

Now you don’t have to.

Disclaimer: These rules are for people that are in distress and want to have a closer relationship, as in marriage.  There are actually situations where they shouldn’t apply. It is actually okay to be a prosecuting attorney. If you do a little work you may find some examples where Jesus appears to use the “wrong reasons” in discussions with those who “did not have ears to hear.” I’ll leave that little homework project for you to do. Feel free to comment on what you found if you do decide to do the homework for extra credit. :)