What is it like to be gifted?
Gifted? I’m not gifted!
Before you decide that this article is not for you, think of the broad range of areas where you (or your child) might be gifted. This is not just about being a math genius or having the highest GPA in your class. And, if you were gifted as a child, you did not outgrow it.
I’m not exactly sure why God made some people taller than others. I could come up with some possible reasons but I really don’t know for sure. I do know for sure that he did make Sun Mingming really tall. At 7 foot, 9 inches, Mingming is the tallest basketball player in the world.
What would that be like?
I’ve never talked to him but I am going to assume that his experience with being unusually tall is similar in important ways to the experience of many gifted or unusually talented individuals.
1. It was not his choice or his doing. I think we can all agree that his height is not really something that Mingming can take credit for. We would think it odd if someone came up to him and said, “You did so well at growing. I bet you’re proud of that!” No, we realize it’s a gift that was given to him. He did not make it happen and cannot take credit for it. That’s how it is with gifts. But, it is his responsibility to deal with it and “manage” it.
2. It’s true. He really is that tall. Just as it would not make sense for him to take credit for it, it would also not make sense for him to deny it and act as though he were not that tall. That kind of misguided attempt at humility would likely result in his head hitting a lot of door frames. He may have decided at one time or another to actively keep others from knowing how tall he was. He may have remained seated or slumped over when he stood up. But hiding it or denying it make as much sense as taking credit for it.
3. It’s not all roses. I would be greatly surprised if there were never times in his life when his height seemed a hindrance. Buying clothes and shoes, can you imagine? Flying coach? The world must seem to be designed for others, not him. Not fitting in can feel a lot like not belonging. I remember seeing him play with the Grand Rapids Flight. Before the game and after when everyone was on the gym floor in a crowd, he really had nowhere to hide. He had no choice but to be seen clearly no matter where he stood in the room. There are many more examples of the down side of giftedness, but see #5 below before reacting to that statement.
4. He was multiple ages at once. There may have been times growing up that his height caused teachers or other adults to overestimate his age and therefore expect more maturity out of him that was realistic. His height said he was older, while the rest of him said he was younger. So, in a sense, he was multiple ages at once. Who was he supposed to play with in elementary school? The fourth graders his age, or high school students? He could touch the rim like the seniors but probably didn’t feel the same way they did about the group of girls gathered around watching the guys play.
5. “He ain’t getting my sympathy.” Remember the part about it not being all roses. If he expressed that it was hard to be so tall, others around him may not have given him any sympathy at all. A peer in school might say, “Oh, yeah. Right! Do you know what I would give to be so tall! Don’t expect me to feel sorry for you!” Being gifted can be very frustrating. But don’t expect other people to understand that or give you sympathy.
These aspects of being Mingming, the tallest basketball player, are relatively easy to appreciate and understand. But, giftedness in a child or adult can be hidden in the child with the worst grades or the employee with the worst attitude. It can be hidden in you.
In my practice I encounter a fair number of adults who, beyond doubt, are gifted in some way but have never known what to call it. When we have determined it’s true, they are still not sure it’s okay to call it “gifted.” They may even whisper it or refer to “that thing you say I am.” For many, the realization of being gifted explains a lot of confusing experiences, like maybe a long history of feeling different.
There are a couple of books I recommend for gifted adults:
The Gifted Adult: A Revolutionary Guide for Liberating Everyday Genius and
Gifted Grown Ups: The mixed blessing of extraordinary potential.
Neither one, I would say, is good all the way through. But there are valuable spots that make them worth reading and skimming.
There is so much to say on this topic that I’m sure, eventually, I’ll post more.
I want to end with a quote from one of my favorite authors, Lemony Snicket. I have taken the liberty of modifying it slightly for the occasion.
Being gifted is like having a pet marmoset,
because it may be very attractive at first,
but there may be situations when it will not come in handy at all.
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If you like this article you might like: How many gifted people are there?
David Hamilton
Bravo, bravo. A fine piece. I have struggled with profound intellectual giftedness all my life, and can validate every single point you make.
In my case, the giftedness presents verbally; my math skills could be just as good, but math bores me, I’m sorry to say. I’m almost 50 and still take out “Algebra Two and Trigonometry” from time to time. I work through a dozen pages, it makes perfect sense, then I nod off…and forget most of it. And then I recite “Ozymandias” from memory, not having seen it in print since fifth grade.
Isn’t it true that unevenness is a trait of giftedness?
In my own professional field of sacred music, I find myself continually looked askance at by a large, insecure cadre of perfectly bright people who are not gifted. This genteel, bow-tied crowd–bored with drumming out “Old Hundredth” on million-dollar pipe organs–does love its gossip, and my “problems with authority” and “who does he think he is-itis” give continual scandal and malicious amusement.
I am usually sarcastically addressed as “DOC-tor Last Name,” with just enough lilt in the voice to get the subtext across. I’ve never asked to be addressed as “Doctor,” though I have earned that degree. I’m not that proud of the degree, as it was very easy for me to earn it.
Full disclosure: I bathe, shave, and get my hair cut. I dress nicely and use only a little splash of cologne. I don’t smoke, spit, chew tobacco, say “dese” or “dose,” or cuss. When I’m not posting on a blog, I’m as low-key and diplomatic as anyone else. Actually, I was born into a WASP family and by rights ought to fit in in my field.
I’m learning to ignore the mean-spirited envy, but it’s tough to sit on the organ bench listen to sermons on inclusivity when one never actually experiences this “inclusivity.”
And remember, if you speak up about this issue you’re a “braggart.”
Is it too late for me to transition into another career? Or should I turn and fight where I stand?
L’organiste,
Thank you for your comments. I’m glad you found the article.
Yes, that unevenness does come with the package. I think this may be related to what others refer to as being multiple ages at once and the asynchronicity of giftedness.
Tell me, have you found any books or other resources that you would call helpful?
I imagine the ‘fight’ as you call it can be tiresome. I was going to start my reply here by calling you a ‘braggart’ for having the courage to be the only one to comment out of the hundreds that have read this post in the last few days. But I wanted to make sure you knew it was in a friendly and familiar tone. :)
I do find it interesting that from this, probably the most read post to date on my blog, I have only gotten one comment so far. I think it may underscore the lack of comfort in being identified as gifted. (especially, if it appears to be self-identified)
So, thank you and I wish you well. Please stop by often.
David
I’m interested in hearing more about the “gifted” children and adults who do not have any noticeable singular talents in music, art, math or other academic discipline…or who aren’t a conspicuous 7’9″ tall. Those people who just experience and perceive life differently, more intensely than most. Those who cannot throw themselves into a hobby because they are intrested in so many things (and can do them all) because they are paralyzed by indecision. People who feel burdened by the pain, sadness and suffering of the world, but are powerless to help. They are able to clearly identify solutions to problems that others are unable to even see yet. They cannot adequatelyexplain to those around them why they see what they see and understand what they understand…they just do. Conversations are difficult to have because they converse on a different level. They feel scrutinized and insecure, longing to just be accepted for who they are.
gr8moments,
I began thinking of an involved and precariously convoluted response to your question until I got the comment from Loren that is posted above yours.
Since I suspect that parents who identify giftedness in their children sometimes overlook it in themselves (but I’ve never seen it the other way around), I am going to assume you have some of the same characteristics and challenges that you talk about your kid’s having. To the degree that you have gained ground in facing those challenges, I would encourage you to be open with your children about the issues and how you have and are dealing with them.
You are their best resource in this. The more you understand it in yourself the more you will be able to help them.
Oh, there’s so much more… and mine was a rather simple, but I hope not simplistic, response. Please continue to connect with other parents in similar circumstances. Maybe that can happen more on this blog?
You and they are not alone.
Sounds like you’re talking, to some extent, about “Scanners” as described in Barbara Sher’s book Refuse to Choose, especially about being interested in so many things at once.
Daren Scot Wilson – Thank you, I don’t remember hearing the term “Scanners” before. After ‘scanning’ Barbara’s website, I realized that EVERY point she made fit me exactly! I’ve listed some of her excerpts in case anybody else is interested……………..
“Scanners love to read and write, to fix and invent things, to design projects and businesses, to cook and sing, and to create the perfect dinner party. (You’ll notice I didn’t use the word “or,” because Scanners don’t love to do one thing or the other; they love them ALL.)
Because your behavior is unfamiliar — even unsettling — to the people around you, you’ve been taught that you’re doing something wrong and you must try to change. But what you’ve been told is a mistake — you have been misdiagnosed. You’re a different creature altogether.
What you’ve assumed is a disability to be overcome by sheer will is actually an exceptional gift. You are the owner of a remarkable, multi talented brain trying to do its work in a world that doesn’t understand who you are and doesn’t know why you behave as you do.
And unless you know who you are, you’re going to agree with them! Not only would that be unfair and inaccurate, it could prevent you from developing your gifts and making your contribution to the world. The stakes are very high.”
http://www.getmotivation.com/articlelib/articles/barbara_sher_scanner.html
I meant to add this also….
“Almost every case of low self-esteem, shame, frustration, feelings of inadequacy, indecisiveness, and inability to get into action simply disappeared the moment they understood that they were Scanners and stopped trying to be somebody else.
It appears that Scanners are an unusual breed of human being. One reason they don’t recognize themselves is that they don’t often meet people like themselves.”
Not only was I not recognized, but until I hit college, it was generally accepted that I was an idiot because I saw and experienced the world as so much different than everyone else. Once I hit college my professors immediately recognized that I was extremely gifted, the shift was hard to take because I was used to being an idiot, and overnight I jumped several standard deviations from the right of the median over several SD’s to the left – but the 12-odd grades I spent on the left had left an indelible mark and I don’t know if I’ve ever recovered.
My son is somewhere to the right of Profoundly Gifted, and after my experience I am VERY protective of him.
Loren,
Your experience is one I have seen many times and the children are so much better off because of it!
Thank you for your comments. You may have noticed that your comments helped me to put into works what I wanted to say to gr8moments who commented just before you.
There are many parents who would benefit from other comments you may want to make about how you go about the protection part. Tricky, isn’t it?
David,
I received a link to this blog entry through a gifted kids list serve. I’m glad you wrote it and I may borrow the analogy! When I started poking around the website to figure out where you were, I realized you’re in my hometown. I’m a Calvin grad and currently a professor at Azusa Pacific University in Southern CA. I’m also the director of a child-focused institute where we provide services, training of grad students, and research, including work with gifted kids. We’re collaborating with members of SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted) on several projects. You might want to check them out as they address a lot of the issues you raise in this post. Please contact me if you want to chat more about this-
My best to you and your colleagues-
Beth Houskamp
Pediatric Neurodevelopment Institute
Thanks, Beth.
I release all rights to the analogy. :)
I will check out SENG. It sounds like it would meet a great need. I mostly work with adults but I’m sure there would still be some useful information. I wonder how the emotional needs compare to, or translate into, the needs of gifted adults? Hmmm. Feel free to include a link to SENG in another comment.
Say hi to Melora G if she is still at APU. Didn’t see her listed. I used to teach with her.
Thanks for releasing your rights to the analogy- it is a good one!
SENG does have information and provides support to gifted adults as well as to children and adolescents. Some of the needs of gifted adults are similar- the need for close friends who understand them deeply, for instance. And I’ve been surprised at how many gifted adults I’ve met who spent their childhood not being understood by the school system, failing classes, being put in special education… With kids, we have a chance at catching them and helping them and their families navigate their development differently. The link: http://www.sengifted.org/
As far as Melora… she used to be around and then was in the Provost’s office. She’s undergrad and I’m grad, so I’m often out of the loop on what the undergrad people are doing. I will say hi if I see her.
Beth