The Other 167 Hours

Special Needs Children

Let’s face it. Some children are easier to raise than others. Some make us more anxious parents than others. This post is for those of you who don’t have to be told that.

So, you know that when I talk about anxiety in parenting, it’s not just a pretend, sort of theoretical anxiety, right? It’s pretty much real, tangible, anxiety – like we’re not kidding around any more. Isn’t it? Sometimes it’s a “Bad things do really happen” type of anxiety. Or a “Bad things really have happened” type of anxiety.

It’s anxiety that’s connected to some unique history or characteristic of our child. We know that life is not going to be the same for them as for other children. We know that we have been asked to carry a burden that is different from that of many around us. So what about THAT type of anxiety?

I was recently asked that question by a friend. All I have to offer is a sort of “this is what it makes me think of” kind of response. I wish it were more. But the solution to many of our real life questions have to be answered in the midst of living those questions, not in words I can write to you.  But I will tell you what I can.

There is a minimal level of anxiety that helps us in certain situations be as alert as we need to be, to have the energy we need. And then, there is a level of anxiety that actually works against us. There is a point where more responsibility, more concern, no longer needs to translate into more anxiety, more vigilance, more energy. We kind of top out.

If I am a person who knows I have difficulty with being too anxious, then I know at least one part of the answer to the question,”When does my responsibility stop and God’s start…

Here it is…

Sooner than I think it does.

Like when my gas gauge is off on my car so that it says I’m out of gas before I really am… Once I know that, I know not to panic when it tells me it’s close to empty. I still should keep my eyes open for a gas station but I don’t need to panic. I’m not about to roll to a stop in the middle of the freeway, even though the gas gauge is telling me that.

I have to remind myself that the gauge is off and I know better. For various reasons each of us can have inaccurate gauges like that in some area of our life. And while it would be best for the gauge to be fixed, and then be accurate all the time, the next best thing is to know that it tends to be off, and in which direction.

Now, I don’t want this to sound like I’m saying nothing bad will happen. I’m trying to focus on that gauge in us that tries to indicate where my responsibility stops and His starts. For some of us that gauge doesn’t move at all. It’s always saying,

“Hey, do more! Do better! Watch out! It’s all you so don’t blow it!”

We have to translate that into something a little more accurate in our minds; something like,

“It feels like you’re alone but you’re not. It feels like no one else could possibly care about your child like you do, but Someone does. That same Someone is thinking about your child even when you are sleeping. It’s okay to relax a little.”

(I know, I know, gauges can be off in the other direction too. Some parents are not doing as much as they really need to for their kids. But those parents don’t tend to be the ones that ask me about how to deal with the anxiety of parenting. So, I’ll leave that aspect out of the discussion for now.)

In my experience with others who have faulty gauges, sometimes doing this mental exercise over a long period of time begins to bring the gauge back in line. Sometimes it remains a chronic challenge. There are some types of parenting difficulties where a group of other parents with the same type of challenges can play a very important role in getting that gauge to be more accurate.

After all I’ve said about faulty gauges, I have to add one thing. Fixing the gauges will only do so much. We all find out that parenting is both harder than we thought and more rewarding than we thought.

So, there is my response, my friend. Like I said, I wish it were more.

I welcome any comments from parents of special needs children who feel like they have learned something along the way.