Love Wins?
Many of you have seen the bumper stickers that say ‘Love Wins’ and I guess I tend to react inside with “Well, yeah, sort of, I think I know what you mean.” I’m glad that so many people are proclaiming the power of love and starting conversations about the real love expressed on the cross.
You know there’s a “but” coming, right?
But due, in part, to the work I see couples needing to do to repair their marriages, I want a little different message. Something like “Love is willing to lose” might be close.
“True love is willing to risk rejection” (thanks Brady) would be even longer and therefore a very poor candidate for your car’s rear end sermonette.
So, I’ll let the bumper sticker venue go for now and just explain, in comparatively rambling speech, the view of love that I think would help in close relationships.
Think a minute about the shockingly risky approach God has taken to form a loving relationship with us. (Yes, I understand there are some theological nuances of 5 point Calvinism that start to come into play here. But please allow me the analogy.) If I were setting out to change a community, and I was omnipotent, I expect I would be tempted to exert a little more irresistible force on everyone. You know, go for the 100% victory… everybody on board. Yet, God’s approach is open to leaving some of us in a state of rejecting Him.
I hear in marriage counseling, either overtly, or in between the lines, “It shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t hurt this much.” And there is a remedy. Get a golden retriever instead of a spouse, very little risk of rejection there. But if you are looking for a close relationship whether in your spouse, child, parent, sibling, girlfriend, boyfriend, you are signing away your guaranteed protection from emotional pain. Love is willing to do that. It allows the object of its love the option of rejection. To do otherwise is to disrespect the other and to close off the option of reciprocal true love.
So do we still do those really nice things for our spouse to “win them over?” Sure, but don’t go down that road until you know you can keep going even in the face of rejection and pain. Be sure you know that you are choosing the risk. Yes, it still hurts. But years of overly cautious, cold, self-protective “love” leads to its own kind of hurt and certainly places an upper limit on the closeness you can feel toward another person.
See, my explanation was heading toward 300 words, way too much for even a semi-truck bumper sticker.
So, I guess it’s ok. Put those “Love Wins” stickers on your car. But, I don’t think those 2 words say it all or even the most important truth about true love.
David Hamilton
You’re right on time with this one…if I’m being honest, maybe a couple of days too late.
I’m not sure I like the term “true love.” I think the phrase “real love” is less intimidating and seems more attainable. There comes a point in every “new” relationship where a decision needs to be made. You either choose to grow closer, or you choose to let go. For those of us who have spent years choosing “overly cautious, cold, self-protective ‘love’,” it’s probably no surprise that letting go comes more easily and more often to us. I guess maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic at heart, and hope that the Lord directs my steps across the path of someone who makes me want to take the risk your talking about. Someone who blurrs the line so much that a choice is made without realizing it. I don’t even think just meeting someone who you want to take the risk for is all there is to it. I was talking with a friend the other day, and it was mentioned that we have all probably met someone at one time or another who we felt a connection to, who caused us to wonder “what if?” What if we had met that person sooner or at a different time? Meeting someone you want to take the risk for and who is available―physically and emotionally, is the perfect storm. So, until then…my bumper sticker reads “Love Stinks.”
I’ve always liked that bumper sticker. Definitely better than the ones that have not-so-nice messages. Then I have to explain to my kids what that ‘message’ means. (lotsa angry people out there) :-(
I understand what gr8moments is saying about the “what ifs”, but I think if we think too long about that, it could drive us crazy. Especially if there’s just no chance of having the type of life you’ve always desired. And not just regarding people, but also jobs, places you’ve lived, schools you’ve attended, etc…
This reminds me of the movie “Jerry Maguire” where Dorothy (played by Renee Zellweger) finally realizes that Jerry (Tom Cruise) married her out of gratitude and not for Love. She “let him go” by telling him that it would be crazy to stay and waste 10 more years by being ‘polite’. Toward the end of the movie when Dorothy was addressing her sister’s therapy group, she commented, “Yes, men are the enemy. But, I still LOVE the enemy.”
Then Jerry shows up with this speech that would make any woman cry. I don’t think he came back because he suddenly realized he loves her. I think he came back because he was lonely. He grew to love his step-son, missed having someone to lean on, needed someone to handle his finances. :-)
In this particular situation, I don’t think “Love Won”, I think it was more like “Loneliness Won”
you said
“meeting someone you want to take the risk for”
Yes, and then to continue to take the risk is a gift you each give to
the relationship. It would be nice if marriages were like the product
on tv “set it and forget it” (SIFI) and I suppose you do have that
SIFI option anyway. It’s just that something is going to be raw or get
burned. Both are really bad things in relationships.
Fantastic blog!!!
Also, I got a big chuckle from gr8moments bumper sticker “Love Stinks”, two words can sure say a lot.
I have never really liked that bumper sticker all that much, and of course, its all over Grand Rapids. My gut response has been, “No, it doesn’t”. (But I can be a little argumentative when it comes to anything that is being shoved at me too much – overkill!!!.)
I hadn’t thought much past that point, but you finished the thought for me. Thanks for doing that. I like what you said about true love being willing to lose. Love, of all kinds, gets the crap beat out of it on regular basis. If its real, it won’t cut and run too quickly.
I remember feeling relieved when considering a serious relationship with my now husband of 24 years. My pastor/friend/counselor told me “love is a committment”. I knew I couldn’t maintain a feeling forever, my feelings are all over the place. But a committment, when I make one, I keep it. It made all the difference for me when I decided to take the plunge into a serious relationship. And since then too.