Out of Age
A life transition is a common backdrop for someone deciding to seek counseling. Maybe it’s because life transitions lead us to ask big questions. And big questions are hard to answer alone.
This time of year you’ll see a lot of Open Houses to celebrate high school graduations, a life transition not only for the graduate, but for the parents, the siblings, and the peer groups of the graduate. At the launching stage, especially with the first or last child, parents can’t help but do some self-evaluation, asking big questions.
- How did I do as a parent?
- How did my child “turn out?”
- Where am I in life?
Rituals, like the graduation ceremony and Open House, help us to navigate life transitions and answer the evaluation questions. They signal that this is a time of contemplation, perhaps reorientation, or reinvestment, or a time to look around at where we are in life. Rituals allow us to contemplate together. Of course, there is value also in contemplating privately, or with a chosen one or two others.
Some life transitions are normative and “on time” like a high school graduation, or marriage somewhere in our 20′s. Life transitions that are “off time” like marrying later in life, graduating early or late, losing a parent early in life, are still normative but harder to adjust to. We may have a harder time answering the self-evaluative questions. Some events are non-normative whether positive or negative, a crippling injury, winning the lottery.
Some transitions are actually “non-events” and they present their own difficulties in adjustment. These are the things that don’t happen and the “not happening” can “happen” over a long period of time.
- Not having a child
- Not getting married
- Not graduating
We typically have no rituals to help us through these. But, they remain very formative life events anyway, influencing our idea of where we are in life.
The life event most salient for me right now is the high school graduation and the launching of my son. I remember a college professor (whose name I wish I could recall) challenging us to rely less on “how many moons a person has seen” to determine where they are in life, or how “old” they are. For some reason I remembered that as I thought about my son leaving home.
Out of Age He, the one I handled first, (Handled, not held. That came later.) brought me out of age and into experience. I turned father. My years, my number, only relative to his. The experience named my life place. Adding one to twenty-nine did not measure that year. But from zero to something… say that. Now my candles are always him plus 29. At my 47 he is leaving home. But two-score and seven misses the point. That number might as well count stones. His leaving is how old I am.
David Hamilton
Nicely done.
None of my kids have graduated yet. And to be perfectly honest, I am in no hurry for them to graduate either. I love being around them, I really enjoy them. I know I need to ‘let go’, but I just don’t feel comfortable “releasing them into the wild.” :-)
Thank goodness I have a few years before they do graduate to prepare them (and me). It’s just incredibly frightening.
My problem is my heart and my head aren’t working together. Of course, in my mind, I really want to gently let them go. And I do, a little each day. I know this is vital for each of them. It’s what will help them endure EVERYTHING that comes their way. Teaching them to be more independent, make decisions on their own…… But in my heart, I want to keep them close. Protect them, make decisions for them….
So, one of the best ways to teach myself the ‘art of letting go’ is to constantly remind myself: I am responsible TO my kids, not responsible FOR them. That one sentence has helped me (us) numerous times.
I try really hard to trust more and worry less.
I like how you defined life transitions as “on-time” or “off-time”. Both having importance. And I especially liked the poem at the end. It tells how HIS life transition has affected YOU.