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Just how likely is it that you will run into someone today that is gifted? I mean, we’d certainly know it if we did, right? But, on average, the people I run into in the store, at church, walking on the beach, look… well… average. So, what’s the deal with this gifted thing? How many of “those” people are there?
The short answer is:
Gifted in what?
There was a rather popular book years ago entitled “Happiness is a choice.” The book has shown remarkable staying power, being updated multiple times, new covers, etc.. It’s helped many people, I’m sure.
The thing is… The title has always bothered me.
I know it was probably meant to be encouraging but it struck me as too simplistic or too… I’m not sure what. I just really did not like the title. I think I stopped short of obsessing about it but I do remember trying to make up witty comebacks in my head, like “No, happiness is an emotion. Buying your book is a choice.”
I guess this was in case… the author ever cornered me in a back alley and kept yelling the title at me?
I posted earlier a simple rule for men to follow in talking to their wives. Now I have the companion rule for women. I want to make it clear that these rules are not gender specific. Either husband or wife is perfectly able to flagrantly violate both rules. I just thought I’d address one to the wives and one to the husbands, rather than hit you with it all at once.
(the rule in the previous post was Only tell him something because you want him to know you better.)
New Rule: Only ask him something because you want to know him better.
Guys, sometimes you may feel like you just can’t say anything at all without a fight breaking out. You both seem to be on high alert. In those times, follow this simple rule.
Rule: Only tell her things because you are wanting her to know you.
(another rule: Only ask her things because you want to know her, I’ll discuss later)
Here’s what I mean. Only tell her things (as in making declarative statements) when your motivation is for her to know something new, preferably about you. You are showing her yourself, revealing something to her.
Gifted? I’m not gifted!
Before you decide that this article is not for you, think of the broad range of areas where you (or your child) might be gifted. This is not just about being a math genius or having the highest GPA in your class. And, if you were gifted as a child, you did not outgrow it.
I’m not exactly sure why God made some people taller than others. I could come up with some possible reasons but I really don’t know for sure. I do know for sure that he did make Sun Mingming really tall. At 7 foot, 9 inches, Mingming is the tallest basketball player in the world.
What would that be like?
I’ve never talked to him but I am going to assume that his experience with being unusually tall is similar in important ways to the experience of many gifted or unusually talented individuals.
1. It was not his choice or his doing. I think we can all agree that his height is not really something that Mingming can take credit for. We would think it odd if someone came up to him and said, “You did so well at growing. I bet you’re proud of that!” No, we realize it’s a gift that was given to him. He did not make it happen and cannot take credit for it. That’s how it is with gifts. But, it is his responsibility to deal with it and “manage” it.
Fathers Day is nice; but, it can’t hold a candle to fatherhood.
On Sunday many of us will attempt, with variable success, to express how we feel about fathers, our emotions for them. This Fathers Day, I’m finding myself very interested in the emotions of them. I have to start, I suspect, with my own emotions of fatherhood, some of which have been described in a previous post.
Let’s face it. Some children are easier to raise than others. Some make us more anxious parents than others. This post is for those of you who don’t have to be told that.
So, you know that when I talk about anxiety in parenting, it’s not just a pretend, sort of theoretical anxiety, right? It’s pretty much real, tangible, anxiety – like we’re not kidding around any more. Isn’t it? Sometimes it’s a “Bad things do really happen” type of anxiety. Or a “Bad things really have happened” type of anxiety.
It’s anxiety that’s connected to some unique history or characteristic of our child. We know that life is not going to be the same for them as for other children. We know that we have been asked to carry a burden that is different from that of many around us. So what about THAT type of anxiety?
Of all the relational afflictions we suffer, being misunderstood seems to elicit an amazingly broad set of emotional responses. It can grab on to just about every feeling we have in our emotional pantry.
Someone thinks of us inaccurately and we get angry, self-critical, hopeless, defiant, cold, violent, sad, lonely, withdrawn, sarcastic, aggressive, passive, frustrated, vindictive, critical, smug, arrogant, condescending… I’m sure there are more. Those are just the ones I can remember seeing (or feeling.)
It seems to me there is some very basic need for someone to “get us” and all that that involves. After all, there are quite a few prerequisites for you understanding me, such as caring enough, spending enough time, reserving judgment, being gracious in your attributions, observing, being genuinely open to learning something outside yourself, avoiding comments that tend to shut me down or make me hide.
Obviously, there are many ways for that whole process to go wrong.
And yet, we crave it. We regularly monitor it. We’re ready to reply with, “Who do you think I am?! How could you think I could be capable of such a thing?! After all we’ve been through, you could believe THAT about me?!” along with the whole range of internal dialogues we keep to ourselves. Sometimes we get a chance to present our case, have our day in court, trying to explain ourselves more carefully. Other times, and these are much harder, we feel denied even a forum for explaining ourselves. We realize that the misunderstood version of ourselves is what is being carried around by another and we feel powerless to change it. This can happen when a relationship ends suddenly, when there is a death, or when we just decide out of intimidation, fear, or anger to let it stand. Yes, even out of anger (“If you want to think that, then fine!”) Our anger gets some satisfaction in knowing they’re wrong so we’re not going to help.
A substantial part of the burden Christ had to bear during his ministry was the experience of being deeply and publicly misunderstood. More than once he called out his closest friends, his disciples, for not “getting him”, his mission, identity, or intentions. Remember him asking who others were saying he was, and to his disciples, “Who do you say that I am?” It seems likely that even from the start there were rumors about him being of illegitimate birth.
There certainly are things we do that contribute to others misunderstanding us.
We can put on self-protective masks, armor, and build complete fortresses. We can have significant parts of ourselves that we really don’t understand and accept. (those are closely connected by the way) But, we can work on these self-handicaps. We can get better at allowing ourselves to be understood. Friendships and intimate relationships are the most fertile ground for growth of this kind. We may also benefit from a professional counselor to make ourselves more understandable.
The hard news is that even if we are working on all of those things I just listed, we cannot avoid times where we are misunderstood.
I think about young children bickering back and forth, obviously unable to endure the other child not seeing it their way or understanding what they did or why. I see the same type of behavior in couples (of course not anyone I know, and certainly not in my marriage :)) believe it or not. That desperation and frustration to be understood, to avoid the loneliness of not being “gotten.”
Maybe we should add to the marriage vows right after “richer or poorer” something about “in times of understanding and misunderstanding.”
I’m coming to believe that allowing ourselves to be misunderstood after we have done all we can, the enduring of that loneliness, can be a type of spiritual discipline. It’s a giving up the need to defend ourselves or retaliate. The remarkable thing is that loosening our grip on that need actually opens the way for better communication and interaction which may lead, in the end, to our being understood a little better.
It really can be ok for someone to misunderstand me. It’s a natural consequence of being an individual, a separate person, and complicated person. And whether I want to say it’s “ok” or not it WILL happen even when I have done all I can to be clear.
I’ll be better off and so will my relationships if I can learn to endure it.
Many of you have seen the bumper stickers that say ‘Love Wins’ and I guess I tend to react inside with “Well, yeah, sort of, I think I know what you mean.” I’m glad that so many people are proclaiming the power of love and starting conversations about the real love expressed on the cross.
You know there’s a “but” coming, right?
But due, in part, to the work I see couples needing to do to repair their marriages, I want a little different message. Something like “Love is willing to lose” might be close.
“True love is willing to risk rejection” (thanks Brady) would be even longer and therefore a very poor candidate for your car’s rear end sermonette.
A life transition is a common backdrop for someone deciding to seek counseling. Maybe it’s because life transitions lead us to ask big questions. And big questions are hard to answer alone.
This time of year you’ll see a lot of Open Houses to celebrate high school graduations, a life transition not only for the graduate, but for the parents, the siblings, and the peer groups of the graduate. At the launching stage, especially with the first or last child, parents can’t help but do some self-evaluation, asking big questions.
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