Soft?
“A soft answer turns away anger.”
I’m glad that verse is in proverbs. But sometimes I have to ask myself if I really believe it, since I don’t always act like I do. Sometimes I ask my clients if they believe it. But for now let’s assume it’s true. :)
What exactly does it mean?
We only have a few words to work with here. I kinda’ wish it said more. What type of soft answer? Does that include silence? Silence is pretty soft right?
Umm.. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of the “silent treatment” knows it doesn’t feel very soft. But, I can make the mistake of thinking “Silence is not as harsh as what I COULD say so it’s a soft answer.”
So why is that other person still angry?
Maybe, silence is really serving the same purpose as firing back in anger. Both avoid really having that direct honest conversation that we would rather not have.
Here’s how it could work. If I talk harshly to you and you to me then we have both given each other permission to react to the anger and not the issue at hand. It’s not too far removed from “She started it!.” I feel justified doing a whole lot of things I might not do otherwise. (But strangely, one of those “whole lot of things” is not having a direct honest conversation.)
And, if I’m angry then you’ve been given the message to back off. Think of the animal that rises on his hind legs to look more intimidating to his foe. “Look how big I am! Do you really want to fight me?” It’s a ploy to end the interaction before it really starts. Maybe the other animal will just turn and run. Our angry words do the same thing. I mean, we already stand on our hind legs, right? So, we make our voice big, loud, powerful, and dangerous. Back Off! It’s all geared toward avoiding a conversation.
On the other hand, if I’m silent then I’ve also avoided the conversation (but not the tension.) And if you’re silent, “Well, you wouldn’t talk about it. It’s not my fault we don’t talk.”
So, I’m thinking a soft answer is not silence, definitely not ranting, and also not just an answer that agrees or takes the blame, passively. It has to add something, give information. A soft answer reveals something about ourselves (our thoughts, questions, motivations, emotions), but is wrapped in a message of “I’m not going to hurt you and you’re not going to hurt me.” In other words, “I don’t think we need to avoid this conversation.”
Some conversations are just really hard to have. To stay in that middle place between angry retort and punishing silence… It’s a hard place to find sometimes. It helps if we believe that place exists. And even better, if we have seen someone model it. If not, we may actually have to work on our script before the conversation, after the conversation, or, if we’re really good, during the conversation. But the real key, maybe, is believing that place exists… and remembering what we believe.
But, that’s only if the verse is true.
David Hamilton
Another fabulous article! When you wrote…………
“Maybe, silence is really serving the same purpose as firing back in anger. Both avoid really having that direct honest conversation that we would rather not have.”
……… it really made me think. I had to reread it several times. (No, I’m not a slow learner, I just had to really absorb it) ;-)
I always understood that by not talking about it (silent treatment) nothing was being resolved. But I also felt being quiet was better than shouting. My dad was the ‘vocal’ one, while my mom gave us the silent treatment. So I experienced it both ways. I hated both ways of “communication” but didn’t realize there were any other choices out there. How could there possibly be any other way?
I still feel that the silent treatment is safer. Not the right way, just the safe way. But in reality, knowing what I now know, and understanding their likeness, (silent treatment vs. firing back) my first choice is to talk about it!
I think for most people, they are going to react in a way that they feel the most protected. If their significant other can assure them that it’s safe to talk about, then that’s a whole different story. But in most situations, that’s not the case. I guess when both are on the same page, it’s much easier to respect and understand him/her.
Now the hard part is finding someone who reads the same book you do, so you can both end up on the same page. :-)
Sticks and stones can break my bones
but silence can really hurt me.
I’ve never heard that one before, did you make that up?
I guess I did. I like it better then traditional “words can never hurt me” version.
Of course it won’t make you look tough in a fight on the playground or anything.
But there are more important goals, right? Like becoming closer to someone you really care about by speaking directly and honestly about hurt. I think “my” version works toward that kind of goal.
If you find someone has said it that way before I will gladly credit them.
Personally, I am aware that my default setting is to alternate between two options (I always believed these were the only options until recently). The first is to give “an answer that agrees or takes the blame, passively.” The second is silence.
It’s interesting to me that once I realized there were more than two options, the next option automatically became the angry rant.
For me, to just believe that “middle place” exists isn’t enough. Not only do I need to believe it exists, but I need to know that it’s safe to go there.
To have a “direct honest conversation” requires us to be vulnerable to the person we are having that conversation with. For me to even consider being that vulnerable with someone would typically be preceded by completing a long checklist to help me determine if the benefits of being vulnerable to this person outweigh the risks. This is very rarely the case. I think you elude to this issue of vulnerability when you say that a soft answer is “wrapped in a message of “I’m not going to hurt you and you’re not going to hurt me.” But do we ever really have that guarantee of safety with anyone? So, maybe we need to leave room for a little forgiveness in our script too. Hmmm… a “middle place” that includes safety, honesty, and forgiveness. Now that’s somewhere worth traveling to with someone I love.
If the appeal of this “middle place” isn’t enough to lure me there though, then it begs the question, is there something else stopping me from going there besides vulnerability? Maybe I don’t really want resolution…maybe I don’t want to fix it afterall.
Hey, check out the charles schultz version at http://austinmarriage.wordpress.com/2008/12/16/a-soft-answer/
Yeah, I can’t say that I’ve ever been a party to an encounter such as that. Then again, it is a comic strip…
Either I’m having a senior moment or I’ve really never read this post before. There’s a lot to think about in these words. I like the Charles Schultz version, too – an interesting blog. I find that a lot of “how to get along with your spouse” advice works just as well for us singles on “how to get along with other people” – especially the honest, open and vulnerable parts. Yeah, growing up I used the “sticks and stones” refrain; too bad it isn’t true.