I will be taking a break from my blogging probably until sometime in the fall. I want to be able to put my effort into writing of another sort.
Thank you all for reading and commenting. So until that next post I wish you all the best.
- dh
There is pretty good research about the benefits of journaling for emotional well-being after stress, crisis, or trauma. The catch is (well, there are a few) it should be done at least twice a week for at least three weeks AND the writing needs to focus on expressing the most intense and painful emotions AND it can feel worse before it feels better AND there is the anxiety about someone finding and reading the journal. I recently found an online product, Penzu, that seems to be a good tool with all the high-tech security etc..
By way of disclosure, I do get a free year prescription for anyone who uses this link to start using Penzu (there is a free version) but that’s really not why I’m posting this.
I just think it’s a good product. If you try it, let me know what you think.
A champion is someone who
sacrifices more than others think is wise and
gives more than others think is possible
for a goal they may never attain.
- source unknown
Top 10 Regrets
I regret that I spent time with my kids.
Sometimes you find yourself blindly following a plan that you set out or someone set out for you, just because you feel like you should keep going.
I don’t want to regret continuing on blindly with this plan to post my top 10 regrets. So, I’ve decided to skip #9.
(Although, as the perspicacious among you have noticed, I haven’t really skipped it, since I wrote this.)
Top 10 Regrets
I regret that I held it together.
How here, in the deep emerald work of his hand,
eternally dreamed and eternally planned,
a sometime paradise fashioned for man
and woman to bear the first image and spark
in a world born from chaos, formless and dark?
Image via Wikipedia
“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense.
In a previous post The Tragic Tale of Christmas and Summer, the resolution involved finding a way to feel the love that was known to be there. So, how important is the feeling part of being loved? Is it OK to want that feeling?
Of course we can’t even ask this question unless we admit something:
Humans are capable of being deeply loved and, all the while, not feel it or even believe it.
I have not doubt that that statement is true and yet I have never put it in words and looked at in on a page until a few years ago. But, it’s so important to know because it makes us aware of one of the most tragic mistakes that humans can make – walking around, going through life as if they are not loved when in reality they are, and deeply so, by their creator, and often in addition, one or two people on the planet. How sad a story that makes. It’s like the old story of the woman who dies destitute, penniless, cold, and alone, not knowing that she is an heiress to a million-dollar pile of cash in the bank a few blocks from the alley where she dies.
I’m aware that some reading this are starting to bristle because they do not value very highly the seeking after certain feelings. You are not sure we should try to feel a certain emotion. You may even think of it as somehow not compatible with spiritual maturity. Certain Eastern Mystical traditions also tell us not to seek certain feelings. The next section is for you, though I doubt it is enough to persuade the strongly entrenched. But here goes…
My Brief Argument for Seeking to Feel Something
Top 10 Regrets
I regret that I closed my eyes in prayer.
If you’ve read my regret #6 you will find this regret to be similar but different enough that I thought I should count them separately.
Any of us who grew up in a home where prayers were said were told we should close our eyes when we pray. I suspect the real reason was to help us at that young age manage the competing stimuli better so we could may attention to the prayer. Then, like many things we learned when we were young, we just kept it up. It just seemed like the right thing.
Top 10 Regrets
Regret #6: I sang along in church.
This may be a very simple observation that you all have made before so forgive me if I have been slow to catch on.
I was a voice major in college and have always enjoyed singing in church, choirs, etc.. So, I always sang along in church. I liked to do it. And also felt like it would be rude or give the wrong impression to not sing along. I’ve been up on stage before leading singing and know that seeing people just standing there (or sitting) and not singing did not do anything good for the overall level of energy in the room.
But then there came a time in my life, a few years ago, after a significant loss when I was grieving and didn’t feel like I could sing. It just didn’t feel right and I don’t know if I was physically able to sing along – there was something that drained the energy out of me at just the thought of it. There was no song in me.
I know I have 5 more regrets to cover but I thought maybe it would be a good time to throw in some variety. I came across a blog lately that I think some of you might like. I haven’t been reading it for long but it looks worth checking out.
It seems that Loxlia is acquainted with pain and working hard to be acquainted with grace in the real world.
Take a look.
Top 10 Regrets
Regret number 5 is …I cared about other people’s problems.
Top 10 Regrets
Number four is… I regret I tried to love God.
What ever could be wrong with that?
as many years as they have been
as close as any dearest kin
as like in ways as twin to twin
They still loved from a distance. Read more…
Top 10 Regrets
I want to talk about regret #3, hugging my wife when I came home from work.
It is one of my responsibilities, right, to hug her when I get home? That and taking out the trash pretty much rounds out my job description as a husband, right?
The kid’s can all see it. “There goes dad hugging mom again.” I’m “modeling” a loving husband for them. Perfect.
Not quite.
My second regret is that I tried to control my tongue.
Why would I regret that I tried to control my tongue? I’ve posted quite a bit on this blog regarding controlling the tongue, as I made a case for better communication, especially in couples.
See, for example:
The Freshwater Challenge from James,
Just learn to talk to each other? Really?
But, yes, I regret trying to control my tongue. Here’s why…
Top 10 Regrets
This post is about regret #1: I believed the sun would rise tomorrow.
I have almost always taken it for granted that I would wake to a new morning, sun and all.
Of course the sun will rise tomorrow and I will be here to see it, right?
William Tyndale was the first to translate the scripture from Latin to English so that people other than church leaders could read it. Translating scripture into the common language of the people was a crime in England and wherever else papal authority had enough influence. Even so, I’m pretty sure we would count “Bill” as one of the good guys. Still, after fleeing his home country, working in secret, and being betrayed more than once, this good guy was tied to a stake, strangled, and burned.
Stay tuned because I think there may have been one or two regrets on that list that surprised you. I may get a chance to explain.
But… maybe not.
You know that part of the story, right? One of those phrases might even be a part of your script right now. You might feel like it’s your next line.
We sang this song in church this morning:
…
I can see a light that is coming
For the heart that holds on
There will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
I will praise you
Still I will praise you
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did you leave us on our own
You are faithful.
Lord, you are faithful.
….
The woman who was leading worship told us how for two years there has been a little girl in another country that she was trying to adopt and bring home. The little girl had been already calling this woman “mama” for a long time now. The woman said that just 2 weeks ago the news came that the adoption was definitely never going to happen. What was her heart supposed to do now? What about the heart of the little girl who already thought she had become someone’s daughter?
You will notice right away that I have changed the look of the blog at bit. Please give me feedback about that by commenting on this post.
I also have begun to draw in some other writers to contribute under the name “Guest Author.” Some of these will identify themselves and some would rather not. Replying to your comments for these Guest Authors becomes rather complicated because of the… well, I won’t explain it all but the point is that they will usually not be able to respond to your comments except through me (167hours) and I will facilitate that when possible. But please feel free to leave comments for them. They will be read and the rest of us would like to read what you have to say also. So comment away! Please!
-David
In my profession, I work with people making their way through the circumstances of life. They are mostly, in my experience, good people, even honorable people, and very often people I come to respect greatly for the persistent work they have done in the making of their way in life. But, they also, without exception, are hurt people.
Hurts come
The hurts come
Having a brother serving in the Army, a father who served in WWII, and knowing the story of others who come back, I tried in this poem to capture what little I know about battle and the aftermath. My apologies to many of you who are far more knowledgable about combat and post-combat. I suspect it may seem almost childish compared to the awfulness of the actual experience.
In writing it I was surprised to find many aspects which seem analogous to any interpersonal conflict that grows intense enough.
We all have some days that are longer than others. And not in a good way! Thoughts of giving up, giving in, backing down, come at us again and again… even into the night hours. In days (or months) like those, we need to speak words of commitment to our God and to what He is trying to build in us and in the world.
Sometimes these words of commitment to keep going… we can’t even get ourselves to say. They die on our lips. They won’t come out even though in our heart we want to be able to say them. We believe them. But maybe speaking them seems to strain that belief too much.
We need someone else to say them for us. We may even need someone else to believe them for us.
I’ll be in a few of the clips from the special series on relationships that Fox 17 is doing in November. Here is a link to one of them. Online Relationships
Update: for some reason they never ran the series. Don’t know why.
I love the circus, especially the large three-ring circus where there are always at least three shows happening at once. If you love the circus and want to know more about its interesting history and role in popular culture…
this blog post will be of no help at all with that.
On the other hand, I have some thoughts about work and responsibility in marriage. These seem to organize themselves rather nicely into three areas or circles of responsibility.
Let’s not pretend that life is not painful.
All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new
When, by chance, your car breaks down, your cell is out of range and you are walking through the woods to find help on a moonless, starless night, with the woman you love beside you…
When neither of you can see a hand in front of your face and she calls out, “Are you there?” because she can’t feel you next to her…
When, for a split second, it crosses your mind to be silent, just for a moment, and then you realize she would NOT think it was funny…
Are you a user-friendly husband?
Having worked for a number of years as a software developer, I can tell you that an application can be the most powerful and ingenious tool to ever be created but, if the user gets frustrated with learning how to use it, it all goes to waste. It never gets the praise it deserves and it isn’t able to accomplish what it was created for. If the application were a person it would doubtless ask for a little more appreciation and respect. But it wouldn’t get it.
Does any of this sound familiar, guys?
In the home we can be so hard to read, or so painful to interact with, that our talents go unappreciated. It’s not that we don’t have anything to offer. It’s just that we are not as user-friendly as we could be. Think about these examples:
What’s happening with my computer? What is it doing?
It’s frustrating, isn’t it, when that progress bar on the screen just hangs there? We know it’s doing something but we don’t know what, or how long it will take, or if we need to keep watching in case it needs some input from us.
Where are you and what are you doing? When are you coming home? These are questions your family needs to know. They are not trying to ruin your life. It just helps them plan their day. Read more…
So your wife has been asking you for a while now to go to counseling… Now what? You may have a few questions about what to expect.
Will the counselor be on her side? What will I be expected to say? What if we get into an argument? What if I don’t like the counselor? How long will I have to go? Is what I say confidential? How will it help our marriage? Will we just fight all the way home afterward?
Let’s take them one at a time.
I have never hunted.
Well, except once at summer camp in the coastal mountains of California when three of us jr-highers decided to go after some rattle snakes with our wrist-rockets. (It was a family camp so I’m really not sure where our parents were.) The camp cook promised he would cook it if we caught it. Yes, it did taste like chicken.
Ok. Now that I’ve defended my manhood…
I have never hunted but I do know what those ugly orange vests are for. You’re out in the wild tuning your ear to the slighted rustle and interpreting it. You’re on the alert because you are in a sort of competition. You win if you can react before your prey does. Your reaction involves shooting and the prey’s reaction involves running.
At some point in human history, someone noticed that under those circumstances we can shoot at something that isn’t really prey, like a fellow hunter. So hunters wear something a little extra, the orange vest that says, “Hey, we’re friends. Remember? Don’t shoot.”
I heard the long waves pound gently against the beach as I walked. I smelled the strong saltwater. I felt the fresh water wash my feet so that sand would not be tracked back inside.
Now, I hear the calm breathing of three children as they sleep in the living room. I listen closely and I still hear the waves pulsing. As the condensation slips away on the window overlooking the ocean I hear the “whispers” of a 11 year old boy playing a 5 year old boy in a game of “Sorry”. The coffee pot drips quietly, steadily, finally producing the smell. The smell of a new morning.
Have I been put in some dark corner where you’ve forgotten about me, Lord? How long until you stumble across me and remember me again? When will you even look me in the eye so I can remember what your face looks like?
Here is how I might try to say what I see written in my Bible. My words are not inspired or based on some vast understanding of original biblical languages. But I have talked to many, many people going through things.
I think this is how I would put it. (It should be pretty easy for you to recognize the passage.)
Here’s a loose modern interpretation of a prayer found in the Bible. Do you know where?
Read more…
An article from a guest writer:
Sometimes it’s a gentle pull, other times the force is enough to lay you flat on your face. The undertow. The pull of the ocean. Ever since I can remember the ocean has been as much of my summer as popsicles, watermelon, and long drives. I have run down the same path to the Atlantic Ocean from our family’s house in South Carolina for years.
I grin as my feet remember the ocean floor, much like a reunion of best friends. The hard sand grows a little softer, the wetness and unknown creatures greet my feet like a handshake. One that lasts only as long as needed. It serves as a mere formality; a simple avenue to the real embrace: catching a wave. It’s simple: give in to the pull, enjoy the first wave, taste the salt, feel the sticky, cool ocean, and repeat. A relationship that never gets old.
I’ve liked the book of James since college. For some reason it has been a section of scripture that I return to again and again. I even remember trying to memorize the whole book once. (It’s one of the shortest books and I’m not sure I ever finished the goal of memorizing the whole thing. Don’t be too impressed.)
So, I was in chapter 2 today and decided I want to ask something of my readers.
Should we still be reading James?
Read more…
Matthew 9:36 (a loose translation based on the sermon this morning)
Jesus was moved (literally “gutted”) because he saw people who were confused (“mind-fogged”) harassed, distressed, rejected and helpless…
as you would expect sheep (vulnerable people) to act if they had no shepherd (one to protect them and bring them to a safe place at night.)
Read more…
I was nineteen, you were twenty-one
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much too young
But we did it anyway
We bought our rings for forty each
From a pawn shop down the road
We made our vows and took the leap
Now fifteen years ago
We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storm
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that’s what the promise is for
“I do” are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I’ve heard
Is a good place to begin
‘Cause the only way to find your life
Is to lay your own life down
And I believe it’s an easy price
For the life that we have found
And we’re dancing in the minefields
We’re sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that’s what the promise is for
So when I lose my way, find me
When I loose love’s chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith, till the end of all my days
When I forget my name, remind me
‘Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man
So there’s nothing left to fear
So I’ll walk with you in the shadowlands
Till the shadows disappear
‘Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos, baby,
I can dance with you
Hearing, sight, taste, touch, smell
What would life be like if we only had those 5 senses?
Image via Wikipedia
What about balance and proprioception?
If I closed my eyes I wouldn’t know if I were right-side up or up-side down. I wouldn’t know where my arms and legs were without looking.
What about… emotional self-awareness? I wouldn’t know how I felt about you or how I felt about me. I would have a very difficult time making decisions. (Yes, emotions are essential for making many decisions no matter how logical you think you are. Logic is always in the service of some emotion. ) I wouldn’t feel attached to anything or anybody so I wouldn’t feel loss. I also wouldn’t know if I belonged.
This post is one in a series on Emotional Basic Training. The focus for this article is the emotional skill of self-regard, a concept that includes both our knowledge and our affections. So, it is about what we know or believe and also about what we feel.
Self-regard certainly will have some overlap with things like self-esteem but it is not just self-esteem. The goal here is not just to raise the absolute level of positive self-thoughts although, unfortunately, for many of us there are times when our shame and our injuries warp the picture of who we are, making it difficult to notice, much less “think about… whatever is pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy” (Philippians 4:8) regarding God’s creative investment in us.
I want to start a series of posts on the basics of emotional life from a Christian perspective. Basic, not in the sense of easy, introductory, or simple but basic in the sense of foundational, essential, and ubiquitous. Everywhere you look you see them coming into play.
Here’s the list:
I have a few puzzles that sit on a chest in my office. They are mainly the rope and ring type, similar to the one shown in the picture. They’ve all been solved (and then “unsolved.”)
I like to think that they mirror the sort of problem solving we have to do in life. They fall into three categories,
If you can’t view the video try clicking here.
The agnostic believes that the existence of God cannot be known for sure. It’s unknowable. Of course, that position is incompatible with Christian faith. We believe God is knowable because he has made himself known. He lets us know him and reveals himself to us.
But, still there are seasons…
Psalm 13
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
Have you ever been there?
Hardship may come upon us for many reasons.
Job 5:6-8 (New International Version)
For hardship does not spring from the soil,
nor does trouble sprout from the ground.Yet man is born to trouble
as surely as sparks fly upward.
We may bring hardship on ourselves through our mistakes or our own sin. Hardship may be brought to us by others or through the impersonal presence of evil in the world. God may use the megaphone of pain to get our attention.
There is one thing all hardship has in common.
David Hamilton
